Freedom

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they come to realize what it is that they need to do. It may take many years, even decades. For some it may be many lifetimes. But everyone has this lucid moment where they understand what they have come here to do.

This morning was such a moment for me. The quality of such crystal clearness equals the one of looking at the stillness of a mountain lake: One is able to see the mirror image of its surroundings without any judgement, without stress or any form of interference. Those are moments of subtle shifts in one’s lifetime and then we finally know what we need to do.
As I stood in front of the small coffee booth around the corner from the place that I live at, I waited for the owner to serve me my espresso. I am aware that I should not be having that yet it remains my last vice. The body has been incredibly weak for years now and I have been shedding tears of despair over many weeks now. It got to a point that I sought out help from an enlightened being. It is helping but minimalistic. Maybe time will tell, I do not know. I finally need to accept that in this lifetime my body is not strong. There is such sadness stored up within me that I often weep now. It is partially mingled with this longing that I have known my whole life, partially with freedom, partially an upset at what has been going on over the past 27 years. A near death experience that had left me walking in between two worlds. But rather more dead than alive, minimalistic light force. Once more I realize that I have no control over this process. It is a divine process and it is being made clear that I am not to interfere. Then there was grace and when I looked up I noticed a poem hanging on the window of the coffee booth. I felt nostalgia settle, a knowing of how life can be different than what is being portrayed. I am unable to read the poem properly, there was too much grace. Brain function usually seizes. And in this instant I just knew that I had to write.
No matter what, no matter where, but I just have to do it. It is all I want to do: write.
I need to do just that. All else will fall into its place. It was so crystal clear that I could nearly touch it.

I had been contemplating my decision to give up teaching meditation and talking about the awakening process. I felt as if I was a quitter, but it was as if I had to. I felt bad to leave the students behind, but I also knew that they were all evolved enough to continue on their own. Maybe I had needed them more than they did me. I had nothing left to say about it. It was a topic I had exhausted for years and I no longer felt as if I needed to share that with people. Five long years. Utterly tired and deluded over the harshness that not many will embark on such a journey in this lifetime, I had to quit. It was not even a question of maybe doing it on the side. It just came to an end. Rather abrupt. It has been months to find my footing in a job I appreciate for the nothingness that it is, but utterly lost as to what purpose it may be serving. I know that nothing happens in life without a reason. The nothingness of the job just showed once more that I am certainly incapable of doing a job that feels empty to me. It is just not my character. And so now I will embark on the next journey of writing.
Mrs. Tweedie has once said that those are moments of great luminosity, of great clarity and that that marks the journey of enlightenment. It is not a journey that finishes. I that no beginning and no end.
This was such a moment.
May it be for the benefit of all sentient beings. May it be so that love can spiral out into the universe once more. May it be to illumine others’ consciousness and motivate them. For whatever reason it may be, it will be that way.

The next chapter of my life just opened and with it, I feel free.



Vanessa