Kismet- Fate

In all traditions of this world, there is something that is called fate. The Arabs call it kismet, Yogis call it karma.
One spends one’s lifetime looking for one’s fate. If one does not fulfill it, one has to come back and try again.

Kismet can look very different for everyone: For some it may be to be a householder, some find fulfillment in being married, some meet one partner in their life and that is their destiny, some become renunciates so that their karma can develop, some are artists and singers, some shopkeepers, some become teachers or adventurers.
As much as there is a huge variety of people out there, there are the number of kismets. We must live it in order to thrive and to walk one’s dharma.

It has been coming up a lot for me lately. I have never fulfilled my fate in this lifetime. It is this restlessness that I know so well, it is my agony and my pain, my depression and my anxiety. It is the illness that is ailing me. To understand my kismet.
Someone said to me once: Some people just have to be. But just being also does not fulfill me. Then it is not for me.
The Arabs say that Allah has the master plan and has endowed us with the means to fulfill this masterplan. Some may call it their blueprint. Whatever it may be, I have been off it for a whole lifetime. Sometimes it felt as if I was on track: I remember living in Dubai and surfing. It felt as if I was on track. I just was and was very happy. Just to go and surf and write a bit here and there. To just be in that moment. But then illness settled in and it has never gone away since. It feels as if I am standing in front of the door of a fortress and that it is sealed shut. It won’t open.

So I must be off of my kismet. In a recent meditation with Shakti, she said to me: You are living a scam.
It certainly feels like one. It feels fake to me. I am selling chocolate that is chemical, full of sugar, to people who are already ill and do not have any money. I live in a city of 500.000 inhabitants. You are never alone here! It is impossible. The more I try to be in solitude, the more people contact me: WhatsApp, calls, messages,… Often I do not answer or just ignore it. My phone is on silent A LOT. I find it stressful. In the park that is close by and even in the forest I am never alone. There are always people there. It is impossible. But then again, is it my kismet to live in solitude? Maybe it is an illusion that I have kept up that does not fit me.
But it is certainly not city life that makes me content. It is too much, too chaotic, too crazy,…

Sri Ramana Maharshi said: Neti neti. Not this, not this.
He meant that throughout our discovery towards the Self, we come to realize that we are not a mother, a father, a householder, a woman, a man, a child, a teenager, a writer,… But that we are rather nothing and that being with God means that we just need to stay still.
I have experienced this stillness many times, it often pervades my every day life. Everyone is hectic and busy, and I just stand still inside. It permeates towards others, but it does not feel like my kismet.
At the moment I feel stuck in a situation that I don’t seem to belong to. It is like groundhog day, repetitive, making similar mistakes, saying the same phrases, doing the same actions all the time, and it feels painful watching it. It is like a spiral.

So I must get out of it and find my kismet.
What has always appealed to me, is to sell all my belongings and just get up and go wherever fate will take me. But is this the answer? Is it not a running away, I wonder?

There has been the dream to live in Bali off the beaten track and to just surf. It is impossible when being ill.
So then my fate is to find my dharma.
It seems like a very large task and at the moment I cannot picture anything that I could do to fulfill this fate of mine…


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