“Love is the whole thing.
We are only pieces.”
It is as if graced by immense beauty yet all agonies of the world descend on one. Night’s terror disappears in the morning light and one understands that only love is the cure for this nothingness.
The burning increases and intensifies and we only understand with the heart, not with the mind. The mind lies blank, not understanding this virtual reality.
Love conquers all.
I am the one whom I love,
The one that I love is myself, Al Hallaj said and was tortured and crucified for it.
Ego equals death, yet resurrection is at hand.
Each time we descend into the dark night we must ascend eventually. It is impossible to dwell in darkness all the time.
So I hold onto love.
It is my guiding star, my every breath, my every vocation, and my every dream.
Only love can help me through something that cannot be named,
That which only a few will experience.
That which is the energy of unconditional love itself.
“From Adoer, which is by the brink of the river Arnon, and from the city that is in the valley, as far as Gilead, there was not one city too strong for us; the Lord our God delivered all to us;…”
-Deuteronomy 2.36 (Aramaic Bible)
…and finally I stood
At the great Gates
Its doors locked tight
But inside I heard
The angels sing.
Heaven so close upon
I felt their might
And thought it absurd
That one may lack
To see beyond dichotomy.
With my last force
In full swing
I asked a nearing
Angel to take me
Underneath his wing.
Together we ventured
Into the Holy City
That was inside
Me all along.
I asked the angel
For his final
“Godspeed”, he said,
And lowered me from his
Enchanted by his
I opened mine,
And knew instantly
That the color had changed
Golden’s city glow
Beneath my every breath
I watched sunset and
Finally knew that I would
Yesterday was a day when everything became too much.
There are those days and as a sensitive one has them more often than others.
I remember when I was living in Melbourne at the beginning of my sound career. I used to work as local crew and AC/DC had come in: 42 trucks, parked in the lot underneath the stadium. Two ramps to push gear up on stage, over 40 degrees heat with not much ozone layer. The guys who worked with me in sound looked like they were huge, muscles up to the brim and I thought: “My goodness, who am I against these guys?” Luckily there was a veteran sound guy who used to tour with Megadeath as a monitor engineer on team sound. We had worked a few times together, so he said to me: “Just don’t worry about these guys. They’re gonna be out in half an hour or an hour tops. Just stick with me. We’re gonna keep calm and do our thing.”
He was right. An hour later we were reduced to half the people we had started with and we were both still in the game. Each time we had pushed up a speaker and went down the ramps, we drank some water, walked slowly back and forth, didn’t talk much. We just did our thing. The first few times pushing the speakers up the ramps I nearly threw up, but after a while it was actually okay and I got into the groove. He told me a story back then, because I asked and wanted to know what he was doing with all the young folks. He said that he was on a tour doing monitors, all was going seemingly fine… until it wasn’t. One night doing sound check, he said that he was standing behind the desk and out of a sudden had this huge ringing int he ears. It was deafening, he couldn’t hear anything anymore. His whole system shut down and there was nothing he could do. They flew him back home and he shut himself off in complete darkness and silence in his apartment for 10 days. The ringing went away and he recovered his hearing.
I was stunned when I heard this and I looked at him. He continued to tell me that he decided then that he would not continue with such a stressful lifestyle. He said in Melbourne summer he would do some loading gigs and he was doing local bands to mix, sometimes some tours, but only in Australia. He said he realized that his system was just way too stressed before and that he was happier with a simple life more than ever.
This day has remained deeply impressed into my consciousness. This was also the gig that landed me a job with a major sound company back in Europe that got me onto large tours. How ironic to think about this in hindsight, because nearly the same thing befell me many years later. It sometimes still stays with me: My system was overwhelmed not only by fatigue, but also by all this noise, late nights, high levels of stress and pressure, lots of traveling. Tibetans call this lung (pronounced “long”) or even meditator’s disease. It is when you strain the nervous system. Tibetan Lamas reckon that most Westerners have chronic lung and I have to agree. We are goal oriented and often cannot let go of our attachment.
The same thing befell me while working in Dubai and has come back now due to too much Shakti or even light running through the system. It is having a hard time catching up on it. We take ourselves into our spiritual practice, no matter what. Awakening teaches us our patterns and habits. Mine is to exaggerate which obviously stems from a deep dissatisfaction. So over the past months I stopped meditating, staying away from spiritual practice, no reading of spiritual material. It’s cold turkey and rough, I have to say.
Yesterday I dared to read a bit about the divine Mother and the whole thing started again, so instead of continuing, I stopped and will leave it aside right now. I got a life to live.
Apparently this is the message behind all of this for me: Live your life. Be happy.
Yesterday I needed to stay in. Even walking around the corners was too much and I shuffled along the pavement and then went back home straight away. In the evening I talked to a friend, but in hindsight even this was too much.
Like my old buddy from Melbourne said: “Keep calm and do your thing.”
Are you doing your thing and keeping calm amidst the chaos?
“You are the one who grants heaven and also the wish giving tree.
You fulfill the desires of mind in the real realized form,
And all those who benefit by you , would become grateful to you,
And even the devas do not understand you.”
Black as night
Body is shining
With a million
Heart overflows in Your
You are the one
I have been waiting for.
It is only the I
That stands in the way.
Let Your love
Fill my heart.
I beg of you: Do not
Leave me for I
Surrender to Your embrace.
Can we not see the truth
Behind Your loving eyes?
You are the
Ruler of Our lives.
For if we do not surrender
There can be no life.
Have you surrendered to a higher power yet?
Ten of Swords (Rider Waite Tarot):
The final draw, yet dawn is coming.
And from afar no one knew
That I had fallen from great heights.
They saw me luminous
And graceful as I was.
Inside of me
Lest they know that
I have fallen
they do not know
Stand tall in times
For dawn is
Certainly upon its way.
“When the heart becomes the grave of your secrets, that desire of yours will be gained more quickly. The prophet said that anyone who keeps secret in his inmost thought will soon attain the object of his desire. When seeds are buried in the earth, their inward secrets become the flourishing garden.”
When placed in secrecy,
My garden flourishes.
I talk too much
I loose this love.
Let solitude be your savior,
Your secret’s safe with me.
Let love be the unconditional
For the ultimate traveler
Within the Universe.
Let your freedom be
Your guide to
Discard all rules
A life of fantasy.
Lightness shall be your companion
Amongst those who
Along the way.
Blessed are those who never
For their silence
Have you buried some secrets in your heart?
“Only in complete silence will you hear the desert.”
– Bedouin Proverb
Over the past few months I’ve been chasing my health.
And that is exactly it: I’ve been chasing it. The obvious did not occur to me: Simplicity.
I certainly have to keep a diet, but I was doing too much again. I tried healers, acupuncture, etc. The list is large. Nothing seemed to help. Even ayurveda and its ancient science did not aid. So I said to myself that I needed to stop and to take a look at what is going on inside of me.
And what I realized is that I’ve been DOING too much again. It stressed out the system. I should know better than that as I’ve been there before. I have been chasing phantoms that only exist in my own conscience.
It all boils down to bare essentials: Rest and good food.
I also realized about myself (and this has been an ongoing thing over the past few years) that too many possessions and responsibilities really stress me out. They always have. It is just my set-up in this lifetime. The more I have the worse it gets. Even though I give away things periodically, somehow stuff accumulates again. By now I do not buy any clothes anymore. I feel that I need to wear everything I got and when that is done then I can buy new clothes. We are such a consumer oriented society that it’s hard to not fall into the trap.
But what bugged me the most about this period, was that my worrying mind had come back. It started with little things like worrying about work, what am I going to do next? Then it went on to other things, etc. It was a downward spiral and before I knew it, I was spiraling into thinking too much. Even here I should know better. I have meditated so much over the last years and have been trying to be in the now, it should not even be a thing anymore, but apparently it is.
Meaning, it boils down to a lack of faith, which also I should have. I’ve seen so many miracles happen over the last six years especially that it should be an easy thing to have. Faith. No, the mind seems to have its own wayward ways and now I need to spend time again to just tune into that peace that is inherent in every human being.
And so the journey of simplifying life even more continues. You should try it. It will take a burden off of you.
I want to die like the beggar that Attar encountered who just said: “ALLAH” and then died. That’s it. He did not need to settle his inheritance or his belongings. He just died peacefully when he decided that it was his time.
For this, one needs complete peace without the disturbances of the mind.
And that can only be had when one is at peace with oneself in all of life’s circumstances.
Have you encountered peace yet?
Though who art full of peace
She said to me,
Though who art full of grace.
Do not despair
For thy longing
And thy wishes are being heard.
Let Thy heart open
To your embrace.
Let Thy heart be pure.
For only love may
For Though art peace
Today marks Guru Purnima.
It is the day where the inner and outer Guru or teacher are revered.
It is a special day for recognizing that the inner Guru and the outer are exactly the same. The outer Guru is the polished mirror. It is your potential that you are able to realize in this lifetime. If you look at all great masters, they all displayed an immensely open heart, courage, and wisdom. They usually had a great sense of humor and even current day Saints, such as His Holiness the Dalai Lama, Sri M, Annette Kaiser, Igor Kufayev,… They all have beautiful hearts and demeanors. They all have worked very hard for many years at receiving what seems mission impossible for most: Divine splendor.
Yet, as human beings we all have the same potential, we all are able to reach That, because it is our birthright. We are made to evolve. It is not something that is for a select few. Anyone can do it, but it does hold its dangers in a way that one is unable to understand if not undergoing an awakening process.
So today, I wish each and every single person on this planet a Happy Guru Purnima. You are also the Guru. By honoring the outer Guru you will come to realize that you also have always been this Divine spark that the outer Guru ignites. They plant a seed that then will grow into a beautiful flower, only revealed to you in the center of your heart.
A few days ago it came to pass that I got to experience unconditional love from everyone I met.
I used to work as a live sound engineer, which seems like an eternity and way back. Due to the pandemic, I had not seen anyone from any shows that I had worked on in many years. Even though I still have my ongoing awakening things, I decided that it was now or never. Who knows what was going to happen? Maybe another pandemic until I get to see my friends again.
So instead of hiding, I went out and braved the world.
It has been a while. And it was a beautiful day and evening with some energetic challenges, but that’s okay. When I got there, everything was easy: Backstage was right next to where I parked, one of my buddies from the crew picked up his phone immediately and picked me up. It was a small venue. Then I entered into my old world that I had previously worked so hard to get into. People on that particular tour had become like a family to me and it dawned on me that that may be a very special karmic connection. Everyone I saw that day, was so beautiful: They all lit up in the light of consciousness and opened their hearts. I hugged so many people that I cannot recount: Bear hugs, soft hugs, tight hugs,… It was a really special day. It was filled with so much love and real sweetness. I realized that sometimes my ego had been standing in the way (you do get grumpy days on tours) in order to experience this fully. Or maybe because my heart is more open now, I was able to see it better. Who knows? But many times it moved me literally to tears how sweet everyone was and I felt how much I missed them.
It has been a few trying years for me to fit an awakening into a “normal” world that often I feel it is as if squeezing a square peg through a round hole.
The show was even more amazing, or again: It may have been that my enhanced perception enables me to experience these things much deeper. It was a show full of love and the intimacy of the connection with these people was something incredibly powerful. It was as if we were enmeshed in an Ocean of subtle but unconditional love. I have never experienced it like this. Of course the sound was more congruent, the richness of the lights and video in the background, the sound waves that hit the body. All was one concoction of unconditional love.
After the show we had some food and had a lot of laughs on the tour bus. I was just so happy that day and I drove home in an exalted state of being, missing all my friends already.
The verdict of that day was, that, no matter where, you can find unconditional love. Because in essence it is the love that is radiating out from you. It is radiated right back to you.