“No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?” 

• Shams-e-Tabrizi

Shams set out a long time ago to find a friend. He was different from the other dervishes: A quicksilver temperament, but a heart of gold. From a young age he saw angels and talked to God, believing that other peoples’ lives would be the same. A few years later he realized that this was not so and vowed to walk his path in love. In later life he prayed so fervently to God to send him a spiritual friend that he was having dreams about him a year before he met Rumi. When they finally met, they knew that fate had finally brought them together. They would experience great shifts in their hearts, but also endure pain and suffering. There is a price to pay.
In Sufism the spiritual friend is one of the most important components of the path. Without the spiritual friend one can get lost in the myriads of alleyways that present itself. However, it can be said that the spiritual friend can present themselves in a myriad of faces all over the globe. The friend can show up in a lover, a parent, a husband, a lady at a supermarket, at the local market, at a café, at the art gallery or at a local reading. Who knows where they are hiding? They are everywhere- they are mouth pieces of divine consciousness and we are the ones that have to listen.
We should realize that no matter what, we have to remain centered, never loose our sense of gravity. We have to get to know ourselves, not wondering what happened in the past but what we are encountering right now. Often we have to overcome heavy burdens, such as financial obstacles, health problems, issues with work or friends and family. They are tests on a highway that leads us into a more settled and creative way of living. A step toward a different future, a timeline that only we create and not others. We have to become so aware that only love is the narrative that will sing from our hearts, the narrative that we would like to speak and emanate wherever we may go. It is a love for humanity, for nature, and for the creatures that crawl upon the earth that holds us up. Nothing less and nothing more. We are no other than we want to be. We always have a choice: Choose love or hate.
There exist no other choices in life that cannot be linked to that. Only love or hate. Each day you have to re-evaluate which road to take. Love or hate?
But you have to know yourself for this completely and surrender to the process until nothing is left but love.

You will know that you found your spiritual friend long before they show up. You will dream of them for a whole year. They will move in and out of your dreams for a precise year. They will not show their face for many months, maybe even the entire year. But when the time is right they will finally show their face in a dream and then make themselves known in real life. This is how the Universe works. There is no other way. But you have to be sincere in your undertaking. There is no going back on it afterwards, no second thoughts. Do not listen to the workings of the mind that is always like a little bird changing its direction. You have to become as stern as a tree and hold onto love. For only this will carry you over to your miracle of the spiritual friend.

One day they will stand right in front of you and you will know.

Have you found your spiritual friend yet?

Vanessa

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

– Martin Luther King Jr.

Sometimes we must wander in darkness for a certain period of time. We must come to accept that we have luminosity as well as obscure areas within us. By embracing our shadow, we can emerge from such periods that seem to shatter one’s ego structure and emerge as different beings. The one thing that always carries one through these times of seeming darkness, is this that has been given to humanity and will never die: HOPE.
It is a center peace of the human race, much like love. There is no need for dwelling in despair too long, no need to descend further into our own hell, but to accept that we hold two aspects of creation within us all the time. One cannot exist without the other.
A few years ago in a meditation, I had the realization that all runs as it is on this planet. There is no right or wrong, all evil is the flip side of the heaven that we are able to create as humans. All is running as it should. Certainly, we should not close our eyes to cruelty, poverty, and wars. This is not what I am indicating, but rather that we need to take responsibility for what it is that we are thinking, doing, feeling, and certainly NOT doing. It is a personal choice to be here on this planet, even in these turbulent times. We need to tap into that hope so that we can evolve.
Otherwise we can fall victim to the despair that is now emerging from the collective conscious.
We need to understand that we are all one part of each other, all a part of the whole that even goes beyond our beautiful planet earth and moves out into the cosmos.
We need to seek peace in all situations, as difficult as they may seem. We need to seek freedom from an illusion that we have created- at the moment it seems that we have created one of struggle and limitation. We need to seek shelter in our own hearts so that we can find love and truth so that we can experience comfort.
Not everything on human path is easy. Even if one is moving in spiritual circles. It is a tough journey that will demand discipline. Albeit gentle discipline and be at ease with what life brings us. We need to see that the world keeps on turning. She will survive us- we may vanish into oblivion after a while but she will continue.
So today’s message is one of hope that may shine the light of consciousness into the darkest corners of your heart. The them become illuminated and forget about old grudges, about your anger, about guilt and shame. Let yourself be free.

Have you felt hope today?

Vanessa

“Great doubt will eventually lead to great awakening.”

– Rabi’a al-Adawiyya

Consumed by doubt
I trapped in darkness.
Fear overwhelming me
As if out of a cruel fantasy.

How could I know
What was real and what not
I had my mind tied up
In a fantastic knot.
I beckon Thee
For help,
For love and surrender
Because of You
I experience Divine splendor.

Rest in peace
You say to me
I wonder if end is near
Or dawn is a new day.
But nonetheless I obey.
Your rules are Yours
Not mine to understand
Great doubt
I hold
But whatever you may have planned
My ego reprimands
But my heart agrees
My soul
May have been deceived.

Love’s counteract
Is the only cure
To freedom.
May it guide you
On the path to
Liberty.


What have been your doubts lately?

Vanessa

The traps of the ego are many. It is only by staying true to ourselves that we can be born over and over again.


As I walked along the streets being here yet not of this world, I looked at my surroundings and realized once more how energetically sensitive I have become. It is not a matter of switching it on and off anymore. It is just this way all the time. Sometimes I am trying to go back to old ways but I give up pretty quickly as it does not work anymore. It does not fit in with this ever growing new person that I do not know. It is a wondrous person that surprises me a lot, each and every day. Sometimes in not such a great way, sometimes in very amazing ways. It changes all the time. Sometimes thoughts come up where I feel I should be beyond thinking them, but in actuality it is more of an energetic ripple that moves through and then it is gone. Not to be followed, just to be acknowledged and then being let go. Some of the energetic techniques that I have learned do not work anymore- they have either become obsolete or are too much for the body to bear as large amounts of light are streaming through it every day.
But let us go back to walking through the back streets of busy Essen city: As I walked past cars and some people, I had asked for why I was this sensitive again. Even though it has become pretty much my every day experience it had hightened over the past few weeks. It was horrible to be at work with this. I was picking up things from everyone, transmuting it, my body just really really tired. Once more I realized that we are a society of “having to function”. It is impossible for me. Last week it got so bad that I nearly went and applied for living in a spiritual community. The prices scared me though and admittedly a message came through saying that my place is right here and now. Then I was starting to wonder how it must be for a newborn with all these impressions coming into the world. It must be so overwhelming with all this information coming in, don’t you think?
Fine, I thought, I will try and do this. But as I walked past a car it said E-GO 2013. I had a good laugh and took a picture. In 2013 I became ill and it was partially due to my ego. I believe that the same thing is happening in a similar form now: My ego is moving always further into the background and therefore one becomes highly sensitive. It is just the way it is.

After having a good laugh at the universe conveying its messages, I continued to walk along the streets, listening to the trees rustling their leaves and the wind conveying messages of peace and freedom.


Are you undergoing a rebirth?

Vanessa

As darkness descended upon the earth, I lay in bed. Shakti had risen through the left channel and my heart opened further. My body was humming in the process and I was wondering why I had been in victim mode for such a long time. My inner strength was restored somehow. I realized that I had been listening to my own fears instead of following the divine path.
The angels by my side are continuously guiding me, so why be sad or fearful? They all got it worked out. I just need to keep on going.

So today I am calling on all lovers and loners.
I know that you are out there. It is a tough time for anyone who is more sensitive, for anyone who is awakening, for anyone who is creative and does not follow “normal” standards. I know that you are all there.
I am calling on you to be there for yourself. You are loved beyond your imagination. You are being looked after by powers that exude unconditional love. You are here to fulfill a purpose. What this purpose is may look different for everyone, but it will be shown over a long period of time.
Have you been feeling lonely, been maybe even self-loathing?

Then now is the time to look within. Look at all the love you have to give, look at all the people that you know. Look at all the wonderful things that you have accomplished already. Look at your inner strength and wisdom. Do not listen to the outside world that often has a sense of caving in on you. It is not very conducive. It is a world that is still built on doing and functioning. Can you function on the same level every day? I cannot. I never have been able to do that and I am coming to terms with it.
You are a unique human being and you just need to find your groove in this world. It is okay to be sad sometimes, to feel whatever it is that you need to feel. Are you in physical pain? Don’t just listen to the doctor. Listen to what your body is telling you.
Currently I am undergoing an extremely large ego dissolution and it has been going on for a few months now. Due to this I am hyper sensitive to pretty much everything.
At the doctor’s I was prescribed a medicine to “calm the nerves” and when I looked it up it said it was an anti depressant. I am not depressed but just having a hard time to fit into a world that’s always based on doing and performance. So I threw it away.
I listen to my feelings, my instincts, sometimes I still rationalize. I have grown up in the West so that is okay as well. But my world is much more powerful than the world that some are trying to push onto me.

So if you are a sensitive, if you are feeling lonely or very different, this is good. It’s okay to not always be on. It is impossible to perform on a daily basis as per our “normal” world. It is okay to be more soft and sensitive.

I am calling on all lovers and loners. On all sensitives, on all those who are of service through your uniqueness.
I am calling on you to stand tall and to stand your own ground. You need to do what you feel is right, not what medicine or other people are telling you. You are not depressed and there is nothing wrong with you. You are just you and you have a different time frame than other people.

Be a lover.
Be an adventurer.
Be soft.
Be gentle.
Be an introvert.

Be whatever you need to be in these times of turmoil for you are carrying the world into a new era of being!

Have you been a lover today?


Vanessa

A million nights and days I dreamt of you.
Yet I fail to see you.
You are there but not,
Desperation settling in to
See what one day may become reality.

Days gone by so quickly,
Year has started and nearly ends.
Desert days invaded my
Consciousness.
Where are you,
My Beloved?

Heart races so quickly,
I do not know
Where to look
But within.
One day
You shall appear
Right in front of me
And we shall weep tears of joy.

Vanessa

Before the wedding I talked to her. She looked full, voluptuous, and as if she was bursting with life. Her hair thick and lush, made into a turban. I was lying in bed and worried, because my hair was in such a disarray in comparison to hers. It looked like a bird’s nest whereas hers was sitting gracefully on her head.
I was worried about our husband that would maybe not like me. I said to her: “You are so beautiful.” She hugged me, kissed me, and said: ” And so are you. He will love you as you are. You are perfect.” I got out of bed, put my wedding gown on and it dawned on me that I would be the second wife. Would I be happy with being the second wife? Shakti danced her dance and rose up through suśumna…
When I woke up, I felt tired but at ease with myself for the first time in weeks.


In Hawaiian lore, it is said that our soul is split into two. It has two spirits: The unihipili, the bodily sheath of a person or that which departs at death.
The uhane or aumakua, that which is eternal, or the oversoul. That which can remain in the astral world if things are left unfulfilled.
I had been saying to my Higher Self to send me some guidance for a few months now. It’s been vague to say the least. In Christian lore the aumakua would be the Holy Guardian Angel.
And so instead of a message during the day, because I am mainly busy with things, she sent me this dream.
It was resplendent and out of the darkness of my own being I was catapulted into love again.
The message, much like the one a few days ago, is: He loves you just the way you are. God loves you in all His forms and ways. There is nothing that we need to add or deduct. It is only our ego and the mind that interfere with this process. My Higher Self looked voluptuous and filled with life as I would imagine her. With thick hair. And then my own Self realized that I needed to put myself first and not others, that I am just well as I am. Just because we are all eternal…


Have you talked to your Higher Self yet?


Vanessa

“Deliver me, O jesus:
From the desire of being esteemed…”

– Mother Theresa

Have you ever wanted to vanish off of the face of the earth?

I certainly have many times. One year it became so strong that I nearly did exactly that: I wanted to go with my surfboards and just leave for Java or some remote region of the planet of the earth.

But guess what? Illness hindered me.
In hindsight, even though sometimes it still crosses my mind, it is a good thing. Knowing myself a bit better now, a little less than a decade later, I can say that it served me good. This illness, which Tibetan’s call meditator’s disease (we call it PTSD) or I call it doing too much, is always a sure sign whether I am moving in the right direction or not. If I had gone off the grid back then I am certain that I would have somehow managed to kill myself. This is not an exaggeration on my behalf. I had a knack for getting myself into trouble. When I was younger it was small things, but when I got older, the situations had to be more grand, more, well, more of anything really. I went into waves when surfing, even though I knew I should not push it on a certain day. I had a few close calls, but did not see the forest for the trees. I had strange occurrences which I can now pinpoint as to what it was spiritually, but in hindsight I was blocked, focused on one thing only. And that was making it in surfing. I wanted to go away, to leave, to vanish as if I never had existed, yet, somehow leave my mark. This is nearly impossible in a world that thrives on recognition and wanting to be someone.
There is a prayer by Mother Theresa that I found many years later and it starts with:
“Deliver me, O Jesus: From the desire of being esteemed.”

So for this I wish to be freed from wanting to be esteemed. I wish that I did not have the desire in the slightest, which I cannot say is true. We all have some form or the other of it in our current society. Look at me writing this blog. Is it not a desire of being esteemed writing about all these things? It may be slight or just in the background, but I do feel that it is there. When I was younger I wanted to become an artist. I still do. Rilke wrote that being an artist takes time. It is something that one cannot rush or force. One needs to relax, be with oneself, and to understand that it is the indwelling spirit that promotes a healthy creativity.

I would like to change this connotation within myself and rather wish that people get inspired by my writing or paintings or whatever it is that I do (or not do). Rather than the desire of being esteemed I would like to change it into inspiration and love for creativity. So that others can get inspired to write or to do whatever it is that they wish for. It should be an expression of divine love rather than a desire of being esteemed.

Have you found your lack of wanting to be esteemed yet?

Vanessa