Patience

” Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy.”

– Saadî

Each time we start something new it seems insurmountable. The wealth of information, the depth, the richness of a new experience seems often too large to undertake. As humans we stand like the Prophet Mohammad (PBBUH) in front of the proverbial mountain. The mountain seems so enormous that we fear the newness of it. We have never seen such a mountain, let alone climbed one. We are short of techniques and unlike others, have never been to Nanga Parbat. We have never been in such high altitudes and our systems are not adapted to the lack of oxygen. Like fish on dry land.
We contemplate the situation and our mind will tell us a million reasons why this exact mountain may not be such a good idea or any other mountain. Because we are not fit enough, not prepared enough, we are not ready enough, too old, too tired,… There is always a reason why we should not explore the mountain.

I felt like this in art class on monday. As I have just moved back to Germany after twenty years of self-imposed travels, I still feel at odds with the culture. But I vowed that I would do my best to find my footing in this bizarre city that I have moved to. So instead of just standing in front of the mountain, I took a few steps towards it. I signed up for an intuitive arts class. I had no idea what was to be expected and on that day my mind nearly talked me into not going. It had a million reasons. Of course it did! It always does.
But in the end I went and was very positively surprised about the experience. One works with a different array of materials and puts them onto canvas. The material is gypsum. It needs to be of the right consistency and once one is content one moves it onto the canvas. It can be extremely thick or a little thinner, with holes or other parts in it. As one feels how it could be right. This is up to one’s own feeling and personal expression on that day. There’s another layer added consisting of lime putty and marble- it is quite thin and acts as a coating.
This is just a technical explanation. But the most important part was what was going on in my mind while creating the first canvas. It nearly attacked me. I was actually shocked and nearly started to cry. I have not had this in a while. I am aware that it was part of a subtle psychic attack and some of my ancient insecurities coming up. I felt I needed to make my stance and said: I am not listening to this. This is not mine and I am more than capable of putting some gypsum onto a canvas for F&#$s sake!
It immediately stopped. But it nearly drained the bejesus out of me. I often wonder if other people are having this or if it is part of my journey. I know that most psychics encounter this on and off as we pick up on the subtle chatter in the atmosphere. It felt debilitating to be honest, but after I finished the first canvas, I sat down, had a tea and had a chat to the teacher. I realized that I had picked up on the psychic things of my neighbor. As after she finished her one and only canvas, she was heaving and was having a hard time whereas I was back to my normal chatty self. I also realized I had not eaten before going to class and that I am more suspect to the subtle realms when I have not eaten properly. I always have been.
But I do realize that even though it was not mine, it had a resonant frequency. There exists some rest of not being brave enough to climb the mountain after all. It is a strange fear of the small things I have always had . I was never scared of large things. I just did them, because to most it seemed so impossible whereas I always said that if something was impossible why then not go and try. It is the small stuff that I am sweating most times.

But it is safe to say that the second canvas was done in partial rage at this psychic attack and partial Shakti moving through me in powerful waves. I had said “enough” and taken my power back. But interestingly rage came up and not peace.
Maybe I feel enraged that I did not go to the mountain earlier. Maybe I have become so insecure as my psyche did not want to try new things. How strange. Is this what happens with age?
And so I decided that I needed to be patient when it comes to some parts of my mountain and explore other mountains as well.

Have you explored Nanga Parbat yet?


Vanessa