It feels like the last bit of awakening is taking place.
I have heard from other people how the last year or months were.
A few months ago I had decided that I had to go and meet my teacher in person. I only ever met her online and in email. She lives in Switzerland and since I had a vacation, it was decided to meet. The drive there was tricky as my field has become so widened that I pick up on passengers’ energies when they are passing by. It is a bit better in a car than let us say being at home, but let’s face it: It’s nearly impossible to live in a city and I am triggered all the time. Going to the mountains I thought that I might get the chance to relax the system a bit. Somehow my energy seems to enjoy driving- what a bizarre thing, I thought to myself. Is this not against the sustainability rules of divinity? But apparently not. My teacher said that sometimes we have weird things as we are still human and that if the energy likes driving, I should do that.
There was a group at the place who were doing meditation and some other things, but I ate separately from them as not to disturb the group dynamics. But when I thought that the process would calm down, it actually accelerated there in the sight of the mountains that I had missed for so long. In that pure essence of nature and the altitude, Kundalini went up soaring and people were connecting to me at a massive rate. But the one thing that was different from being down here, was that I felt absolutely happy. I did not need to write or do anything, I just sat and watched nature.
On the second day I looked at my open luggage and saw the clothing I had packed- it was the typical retreat clothing that had been required to wear with a few teachers: white linen clothing. I looked at it and I hated it. It was not me. I was thinking: “What the heck am I doing here?” This is not me. I left it in there and wore my pink jeans and a normal top. I realized I don’t need special clothing for this. Just being me is enough. Maybe not wear lycra or something chemical, but I can just wear normal clothes. It’s not necessary to wear something special. It is in the washing now, so I can then place it in the container for second hand clothing. Maybe someone else will be very happy about it.
My teacher advised me to keep on saying no to people taking energy from me. I have to stay persistent. My energy is my own and no one has the right to take it. I keep on doing it, but I’m having a rough time as this seems to be the set-up I have come to the world with. Or maybe I have taken it over from my parents when I was a kid. I have had all these things when I was a child. I remember this clearly.
So Kundalini was having a field trip in the mountains and the energy was so large that I felt I had become several kilometers wide… The difference was that I just felt so so happy. Incredibly happy for no reason! The whole place radiated out that holy energy, that whole place was filled with manna. It was radiating with the teacher’s energy if when she was not there.
At least I didn’t have to deal with half a million inhabitants, but rather 50000 instead. But who knows, I try not to look who’s where and what they are doing. I rather not know.
On the second day, I met my teacher and I felt nervous as I have made a pretty bad experience with a teacher and the accompanying sangha once. I saw that it was still ingrained in me and I saw how fearful I felt: I thought that maybe there would be rules to follow when I met her, rules I did not understand or know. I felt anxious to say the least.
But when she came in she was so full of love and light, so normal yet not normal at all, that all my fears vanished and I just felt peaceful. I saw all the light that descended and my heart opened in her presence. That night Shakti went soaring, but the next day she slowed down at least a bit. She is still going, but a little less. And I feel like that this may be the last bit of the process. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, starting to feel the finish line (yet, I also understood that there will be no finish line at all).
The tips were simple: Don’t meditate, eat heavy foods, be in nature, get as much rest as possible, avoid any form of stimulation from any side…
Cool, I thought, I’ll do that.
On the evening of the second day the guy who had organized the group retreat asked me: “Who are you?” I thought to myself: “Wow, what a question. Even Sri Sri Ramana Maharshi took 14 years of meditating in a cave to figure this one out and I still haven’t.” So I said: “I am Vanessa.” Even that seemed totally weird at this point. But what he rather meant was what I was doing up there separate from the group. I had a little giggle on the inside about the Ramana Maharshi comparison. Holy humor.
Back in the city I felt as if all of Sodom and Gomorrha descended upon me and I understood that I really need to go and live somewhere else, that city life is horrible and an illusion of stress. Not many people seem happy here, even the ones with kids. I do not want to end up like this. I have been trying for a year and that’s okay. The system is also not helping and here I am again at yet another ending.
I decided that I just want to be healthy and happy, whatever that may mean, that all my striving must end and only then will new doors open.
So what may this next step be?
I do not know, but I have an idea…
But yeah, I am having a hard time with this process. From the beginning until now. Some days are easy, but most are rough.
I hope that all of you who are on this path are having an easier time than me.