Month: May 2023

Ascension

Mother Kali in action: I knew it before it happened.

Last week I fell ill with ascension flu. It was all this new energy coursing through my body, my cells renewing at a rapid rate. I had to stay in bed as even then I could hardly move from bed to stove, to bathroom and sometimes into my little lovely garden.

I got back from it and knew that my job was over. The same day I got handed the resignation in a real aggressive way. It was not the resignation but how it went down.
Nonetheless, I understood that it is a forced break as my body is unable to handle all this physical work and more so all these different energies throughout the day. It has become mission impossible.
For the whole afternoon I swayed in between shock, the stress from the last months releasing, relief, and to my surprise, white hot rage. In the afternoon it was complete stillness and then at night “manas”, the mind woke me up and all these emotions started creating havoc. It was a dissonant energy concoction and event hough I tried to surrender to it, I felt unable to stop it, so instead, I tried to acknowledge all these things coming up and saying: It’s okay, I am human. It’s normal to feel all this Other people bottle everything up and then they don’t know.

The day after I was shaking because of all of it.
And then it was as if someone pulled a plug.
All energy went out and as I had been given the choice to remain home for the remainder of the two weeks I said I will take it. I saw no reason to stand there anymore.

Now, I am finally without a job, my car broke down completely this week as well, and I have a feeling that I just want to rest now.
Modern life is really stressful.

The Divine Mother seems to have a plan and now I wait for her to reveal it.

Whatever it may be, I am to surrender to it. She let me have my way for a year and a half, but now it’s over and I am to oblige. One does not always have a choice in this Divine Lila. Some things are just meant to be…


Patience is back on the menu…


Vanessa

Epiphany

Last year as I went to another retreat, I had an epiphany: I did not want to be there.
For all my spiritual endeavors over the years, trying to solve my health-problem on a more multi-dimensional level, I realized, I did not want to go on retreat anymore.
It was beautiful and Kundalini rose, I saw lots of things, had kriyas, but all in all, I felt that I sat there and none of it was making sense anymore. I sat there with this enlightened being and realized that all I wanted was to live life, however that may look like. I did not want the big career anymore, the job that took me around the globe, I did not want to go to healers anymore, I did not want to do another acupuncture session or Ayurvedic treatment, I did not want to become more sensitive and more open.
I wanted to live life in all its facets, fully being in my body. Even if that body was hurting and pushing me through tremendous pains. If this was it, then so be it.
Even though I left quite blissed out, I knew I had received my answer. I just wanted to surrender to what my Higher Self or God consciousness wanted from me, or maybe my heart. No manipulation, no magic, no prayers involved. Just that which presents itself.

And so bit by bit I started remembering what my hobbies were when I was younger: I loved dancing (I used to dance ballet until I was 19), but maybe that’s not a good idea with my poor feet being very sensitive and a bit tired after dancing and then walking around in steel toes for a decade and now walking again to make coffee… Does not make any sense at all. So no dancing for me.
What else did I love: Sitting in nature for hours in trees, I played Tarzan (not Jane) imagining to be in the jungle, which was awesome by the way! I really loved music and singing, so that was my option to move towards, and I loved doing arts. Just random things like drawing, sometimes just squiggling things, painting random things. I just really enjoyed it!
I liked playing with toys and doing songs on the piano, sometimes songs that did not make any sense either. Just random stuff that came to my mind.

And I just loved resting in general, well, and eating of course. I really liked that one!

Admittedly, most times I did not like going out for food.


I was always connected to some form of divinity. Church didn’t make any sense and it felt stuffy and boring.
I liked people, but not more than 2 hours per day if possible!
The reason being that I found out that I have something called “mirror touch synesthesia”. It is apparently an advanced stage of being an empath where I mirror everything, from behavior, to illness, to joy, to sadness, of another person and feel these things as if they were mine. I never understood this when I was younger and had always wondered about all these things, but I found someone who has the same issue (or maybe super-power as I was told). It sucks very often, because “normal” life is not made for people like that. But okay, it’s the way it is and I gotta deal with it. There are techniques, but it’s a hassle.

So, there is no need for fame, for more money, a bigger or better job, just the “right” thing for me and I trust that my Higher Self will bring that to me when the time is right. But I also realized that I must do things with love, time, and devotion. Nothing rushed or something that becomes an every-day task. If I do that, then I start feeling very disconnected and also dissatisfied. I also realized that my German “work ethic” is very often misplaced and I have pushed things where I should have rested a long time ago.

This was last year’s epiphany and has continued to this year, which has made it hard as I have lived for this spiritual stuff for about 10 years. It’s still palpable, but hard to dismiss, it has become a habit that one needs to slowly change.
All life is spiritual. Sometimes people tell me things and I think: “Wow, that was really profound!”, even out of nowhere.

So…, what to do?

Nothing really. Just enjoying the sunshine at home and hoping that all is well for everyone on this globe.

My garden certainly looks like it.

Through my pain

Through my pain
I wander in fear
Of never getting better,
Of never seeing the light again.

Through my pain
I talk to nothingness
As if it were my best friend.

Through my pain
I see the world
Shrouded in ecstasy,
As one.

Through my pain
I connect to
All that is.

Through my pain
I wonder what
Strange illness it is
That is plaguing me
In this lifetime.

Through my pain,
Resting in vain,
Always to be forgotten.


Vanessa

Darkness I

Featured

In darkness I wandered
And felt all his might.
My body shuddered in
Deep fright.
Tiptoeing amongst the beasts
I did not dare to look
East,
Towards my million suns
That had just begun
To rise.

In all their glory they
Overshadowed me,
The heat so callously
Overtaking my
Body.
I did not dare to
Even undress
To bear
This hell on Earth.

Pain so overhwelmingly
tight
Around my chest,
I felt a big weight.
My nerves
Hissing not able to unwind
And devote my life
To heaven,
I started to believe that
This must be
It.

On charcoals
My feet were walking,
They burnt even hotter,
My hands shining red hot,
They matched my frock,
That I was carrying
To remind me of civilzations
Long gone
With the wind
That was blowing around
My head.

Freezing besides the heat
I muttered:”I admit defeat.”
But nothing came of it,
Testing my faith in utterly
Desolate circumstances,
I found myself
Taking no chances.

Seemed I had run out of luck
And got stuck in hell
Where I burn
Just to yearn for a life
Of the living.

Walking amongst the dead,
Lit up,
I could not bare to stand tall
For the fall from such great heights
Might be what put me out of sight
Of my angel’s wings.
Forgive and forget,
She said,
But I could not remember her words,
Truth be told,
My head was lost
And my brain
Burst forth
Into
A gibberish
I did not know.

Heaven,
I pleaded to understand my position
Here,
The wolves
Walking by my side,
I did not know if they were me
Or I was them.
Confusion settled in about who
Or what I was,
I could not tell
Where I ended
And others began.
My heart pounding
Of their emotions fears, their lies,
And gallantry,
I decided I must be brave
And face this agony.

Words are power,
This much I remembered,
I took a deep breath,
Chanted
My words of freedom
And trembled
With such love
That all the heat came off.
Return to sender,
I screamed at them,
Whatever they wish upon me
May be returned.

In search for happiness
I must’ve gotten lost in
Some strange play.
I could not say
For my life was at stake.

Tremors moving through me
It shook my little body
Deliberately.
My stomach in knots,
Holding on tight to what
I once knew.

Let go,
It screamed within me.
And so I turned to
My million
Rising suns
To burn forever and in eternity.


Vanessa