Vastness of solitude

In the vastness of your solitude
I miss You every day.
Even in suffering
There exists tremendous love.

Even under difficult circumstances
You are there,
Working miracles in my heart.

When I suffer from hunger
You come and nourish me,
When I feel thirsty
You provide me with water.
When I feel lost,
You send me someone who finds me.

When I suffer from my own ignorance,
You are there to touch me deeply,
So that I open my heart.
When there is hardly any hope left,
You instill faith.

Who would I be without You?
For it is in this nourishment of
Pain that You make me see
That there is nothing else but


Gates of hell

Inundated I stood at the gates of hell,
If there was any light
I could not tell.
Blinded by my own fear and rage
I tried to remember Dante’s way
So I could disappear.

Memories faded and remembrance
Could not strike
There left all my pride.
Anxiously I took a look around
But no one was to be found.
Stranger in my own land,
I took a glimpse of long-lost freedom
And finally took matters into
My own hands.

The pathway was crooked and
Not to distinguish
My anguish
Made my heart jump with fear
Took me right into the
Arms of Ereshkigal.

The seven gates
I had to pass
My ego took a blast.
Discard I must all regalia
What once looked bright and shiny
Possessions now seem to be so tiny.
Dried and hung at the hook
It took
All my force to start
And finally to depart.

All hell is equal in their remains
And build I must trust
In the unseen.
In love and simplicity
and to trust
In my Higher Self
Who remains to be my only guide.

Agony’s prisoner no longer,
I set myself free
Just to see that no one
Can in fact reach liberty
Without the ego’s poison
To depart
From the heart.

Escaped my own fate
And now all is too late
For I must accept
That all of it remains
In a state of constant change.

Have you discovered your own hell yet?


Lover’s dream

Lover’s dreams
Streaming down my face,
Love’s agony leaving
From my solemn heart.

Wandering in loneliness
Where are you now?

Forgetfulness condemning me
I wonder, where you have
Been hiding for so long?

Memories may fade
Until we meet again,
Oh heart of my Beloved.

Once we were two,
Now one,
Time has just begun to
For I am nowhere to be found
But here.



“Midway upon the journey of our life,
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.

Ah me! How hard a thing it is to say,
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
Which in the very thought renews the fear.”

– Dante Alighieri, Inferno

“Ashes to ashes,
Fire to fire,
She is burning my every desire.

Setting me free,
Gracing me with liberty.
Love’s endless game,
All blame and shame

From my broken heart.
Love’s burning glance,
Offering me a second chance.

Throughout nights so terrifying and bleak
I discovered a streak
Of light
That brought me near
To my deepest fear.

Illuminating one’s own path,
I must depart
And fall back into my own midst,
Outwitted I had sought
The devil’s calamities.

But being Persephone nonetheless
I urged forward and
Overcame my own death.
Faked it,
Carried along the way to my own punishment
I felt a light descend.

My heart glowing now
For all to see
What was it that set Persephone free?

The apple I saw in her hand
Pomegranate shone through her being
Spring dawned on me
And so I hailed Persephone.

Bade goodbye all those
Who came from hell
And let myself be


World dressed in silence

This morning when my consciousness awoke,
The world was dressed in silence.
Thick white snowflakes falling from the skies,
A rosebush hidden in my heart,
I felt joy pulsing through
My eternal being.

Nowhere to go now,
Oh, My Beloved.
So bittersweet
This love I have for you.
I watch crystalline
Strucutres descend
To acknowledge
Grace’s beauty.

Open my heart
For in this life
All I know
Is Your love.


Life as a series of events

If we really look at it, life seems to be a series of events. They are strung together by our mind holding onto them, as if they defined us.
But what would happen if they were taken away? What if no one but ourselves created those thwarted stories?

Try it. Take them away. Do you feel all that space that is being freed? All that inner depth that you can now access?
Can you feel all that you feared once melting away?

It is this void that one must access in order to liberate yourself.

There is nothing to fear, nothing to lose, nothing to gain.

It is in this void that we must find peace.
One finds one’s own love and devotion.

Nothing less.
Nothing more.

Let it all go and embrace the void.


Grace’s prisoner

“…time will not destroy love,
it stronger will be!”

– Majnun

Heart in exile,
I am my own worst enemy.
Cruelty is dying
And love must descend.

A lifetime I have spent running
From love,
But in this loneliness of mine
I must die.

Grace’s prisoner
There remains no will of
My own.

A fractal of light
I am uncertain of my
Own dreams.

Who am I
To declare a war
On anger?

It shall disappear


In you is the remedy

New Year, New Beginnings….

Finally, I have started a new job.
It is the first time in years that I get up and I am looking forward to go to work. Certainly, it is still a bit tricky with Kundalini Shakti, but it has always been like this. Nothing has changed.
I am also starting to see my patterns: Over the course of my lifetime I have had the tendency not to work 100% but 180% or more. I have completely exhausted my reserves throughout my sound engineering days. Before that I had exhausted them with partial partying, studying and having four jobs at the same time.
When I started reading Sufi poetry, I cam across a poem by Hazrat ‘Ali (Prophet Mohammed’s (PBBUH) nephew). It starts with the following verses:

“You do not know it, but in
you is the remedy;
you cause the sickness, but
this you do not see.”

I remember being perplexed about the poem, where something resonated within me. At the same time it made my ego-structure feel a bit angry: How could I be the cause of my own illness? Is it not the fault of (please fill in here) my genetics, the weather, the jobs I have done, other people, etc. Of course I never wanted to understand back then that I am myself the cause of my illness.
But over the past few months I have watched myself closely: I have the tendency as a sensitive being to pick up things from others, sure, but also to completely overdo it. It is nearly as if I am trying to do a Salto Mortale every other second. This cannot a way of living. So I have to take the pressure off of myself, to rest more, to be content with what I got (and I got A LOT!), to hardly do any spiritual practice (very difficult for me), to abstain to constantly be with people or input.
I started doing little things each day, have periods of rest, even at work. Sometimes one needs to be absolutely bored to understand oneself. I also understood that what I thought of self-care is in fact no self-care. I need to find my own ways an rituals and not do what other people or society believes to be self-care. A massage from someone is NOT self-care for a sensitive, so I rather have to do self-massage instead of getting one.
I should not be spiraling on a daily basis and have to eat very different from others to replenish and to keep the awakening going on a subtle basis. I still have some aura issues, but I am working on it. I feel that it will diminish over time if I persist and not get into the over-doing mode.
Looking at all of this, I have to say, that somehow divine consciousness put me in a place again where I have a lot of motivated, fun, and also very faithful people. Even the names of some of my favorite Saints and Sages are in the mix, where I do not believe that this is a complete coincidence. On the third day I already had a conversation about Sufism and the tenets of the Holy Qur’an. I do not take anything personal anymore and seem to have developed a certain neutrality on relatively “normal” days. Sometimes it is still hard, because I still experience phases when I do not want to speak and I actually have to, but I am sure right now that this new job is no coincidence at all.
It stands in stark contrast to my last one where I was having a hard time holding it down even as a 50% job. I felt off and completely inadequate. I used to think that it is me, but I am seeing now that it was the completely wrong environment, a boss who was way too overwhelmed, and some weird circumstances. But the job brought me to this city I am living in where I am finding back to myself, to find my talents and back to my own center of gravity instead of having it revolve around a job or another person. I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells all the time in my last job and not like myself at all. I can be at times fatalistic when I feel very tired, but most times I am quite goofy and love to laugh. This was not possible at my last work and I had to learn that some jobs are not made for one and that one needs to walk away. It is not about being a quitter, but rather understanding that this situation is just not working.

I also came to the conclusion that retreats are way too much for me and that I need to do exactly NOTHING. To just be, but of course this is the hardest part, because I still have it ingrained in me that I need to do lots of spiritual practice. But the other day I realized that I am in quite a fortunate position and that Kundalini Shakti has been active for so long and guiding me all my life. There is nothing to overcome or do really, but rather to live and figure out what it is that I want. To become more compassionate and loving is just an automatic by-product.

And that’s it for 2023. Maybe it will be less eventful than the last years, but that is fine by me.
I am my own remedy after all…

With this I am wishing you a good start to 2023 (if you are following the Solar calendar).