Category: covid

The magic of being

Once upon a time when I was a child, I remember sitting in one of my favorite trees and while I was sitting there contemplating nothingness, I saw no point of going to school or why we were being educated and be pushed into a system.
When you are a child you see the world in a different manner.

I remember that I learned reading very late. It seemed like a tedious task. But sure, it was a prerequisite in order to enter this system.
Now decades later after having read copious amounts of books, I am starting to wonder about all of this. Do I actually enjoy reading? I have seen that reading all this material has become a hindrance on my spiritual path. Mrs. Tweedie just sat with her Guru. She had read a lot before she came to him, but to understand her awakening she was forced to just sit with her Guru. And that was it. He event old her that education can be a hindrance. I feel that this is my case at the moment. After having read all this material, I feel that it is such a humungous task to get rid of all this knowledge that I have built up.
And most times I understood that even reading can be very stressful for the system. It is yet another form of illusion that keeps one separated from love.
At first I thought it was my ego being lazy, but I figured that it is my mind wanting to be busy and foregoing the act of being.

I even remember doing sound school. They were useful things I learned and I understood that I needed a base for later on, but where I really learned sound, was on the job. The school did not prepare me for that. I had to learn how to lay the cables, how to set up microphones in live sound, even how the artists wanted things to be. Some of the theory of school was even standing in the way there. Sure, I knew how a sound wave traveled, I knew the whole theory behind it, but it did not prepare me for setting up speakers in the rain on a mud-field and pulling cables out from underneath bleachers. Trust me, it is a whole other ball-game.

So I am starting to wonder about all this reading, having watched a gazillion videos on awakening, etc. I can be a bit OCD when it comes to things. So after Switzerland I decided it’s time to be less OCD, to cut myself some slack, and to just go to work and relax the rest of the time. Direct experience of God consciousness does not depend on books. One cannot learn it, happiness cannot be found in anything on the outside. Looking back at my Switzerland trip, I realized that I was just happy being there at this place. I didn’t need to go on massive hikes, just took some photos here and there, and the rest of the time I ate, slept, and was happy.
That’s it.
No reading required.

The first years on tour I was just so happy: I only had to hang speakers, set up support bands, and the rest of the time watch the amps and enjoy the show. That’s it. But then my ego kicked in and it had to be more, bigger, better positions,… You get the point. Little did I know that better positions came with much more responsibility and I lost the fun somehow along the way. I forgot that at the end of the day it’s about the people that you are touring with, the cultures you come in contact with, and the things that you are seeing. I just did the jobs and was there, but in reality I just wanted to be. I stopped enjoying the shows and it became tedious to “do” them, I started bickering, being ungrateful. How bizarre as it had been my dream to go on tour, to see the world.

I also remember that during one of my first years working in sound I visited the sound team on Shakira when they came to Zurich. I met one of the guys hanging the speakers and he told me a story that he had a really bad accident while being on a tour. He said he was so stressed all the time and then he decided that he just wanted to stick with hanging speakers. I did not understand it back then but now I do so many years later. Is it worth all the stress to actually fall ill? I don’t think so. Nothing is worth that.

It feels like I have gone through a complete re-set. I don’t need to read in my free time, I can go and hang out somewhere and watch people. I don’t need to “do” stuff. Just find that joy underneath that rubble. Where has it gone?

You tell me. Is it not nicer to just sit in a tree and watch clouds pass by?

How often are you happy per week just being?

Vanessa

A day of unconditional love

A few days ago it came to pass that I got to experience unconditional love from everyone I met.
I used to work as a live sound engineer, which seems like an eternity and way back. Due to the pandemic, I had not seen anyone from any shows that I had worked on in many years. Even though I still have my ongoing awakening things, I decided that it was now or never. Who knows what was going to happen? Maybe another pandemic until I get to see my friends again.
So instead of hiding, I went out and braved the world.

It has been a while. And it was a beautiful day and evening with some energetic challenges, but that’s okay. When I got there, everything was easy: Backstage was right next to where I parked, one of my buddies from the crew picked up his phone immediately and picked me up. It was a small venue. Then I entered into my old world that I had previously worked so hard to get into. People on that particular tour had become like a family to me and it dawned on me that that may be a very special karmic connection. Everyone I saw that day, was so beautiful: They all lit up in the light of consciousness and opened their hearts. I hugged so many people that I cannot recount: Bear hugs, soft hugs, tight hugs,… It was a really special day. It was filled with so much love and real sweetness. I realized that sometimes my ego had been standing in the way (you do get grumpy days on tours) in order to experience this fully. Or maybe because my heart is more open now, I was able to see it better. Who knows? But many times it moved me literally to tears how sweet everyone was and I felt how much I missed them.
It has been a few trying years for me to fit an awakening into a “normal” world that often I feel it is as if squeezing a square peg through a round hole.
The show was even more amazing, or again: It may have been that my enhanced perception enables me to experience these things much deeper. It was a show full of love and the intimacy of the connection with these people was something incredibly powerful. It was as if we were enmeshed in an Ocean of subtle but unconditional love. I have never experienced it like this. Of course the sound was more congruent, the richness of the lights and video in the background, the sound waves that hit the body. All was one concoction of unconditional love.

After the show we had some food and had a lot of laughs on the tour bus. I was just so happy that day and I drove home in an exalted state of being, missing all my friends already.

The verdict of that day was, that, no matter where, you can find unconditional love. Because in essence it is the love that is radiating out from you. It is radiated right back to you.


Vanessa



NDE

I have no fear of death.
When I was 14 years old, I was gravely ill. I spent weeks in a delirium and no one knew what I had.
I discovered many worlds beyond this one, culminating in nearly dying. It is peaceful.
There is no punishment after death.
There is no such thing as having to go through different worlds.
Once you arrive, there is only love and light.
You can then choose to go back or if you would like to stay, you can work on other levels of consciousness.

In Western society we live far off from the cycle of birth and death. We live in a sterilized environment that promotes living and youth. Then when death settles in, we ship people off to an elderly home where they fade away, out of sight. There is no room for dying peacefully in the West. It is rushed much like everything else in our life.

At the end I realized that I wanted to live and pulled through. For whatever reason, I cannot remember.
It is living that is the hardest part sometimes for me. I used to love life. I tried out everything that came my way. I wanted to live badly and experience everything so that I can later on go and say: I have lived a full life.
Of course I did not account for the Divine Mother Kundalini coming my way and pushing me through tremendous difficulties.

Why am I telling you this story?

Because I want to assure you that the hardest part is living and not dying. That you do not need to be afraid of death, that you will not be punished or have to go through difficulties.
I would like to tell you that death is peaceful and luminous. It is not dark and ominous like most people think.
It is something incredibly special and if one has ever witnessed someone dying, then you know that it is a special moment. Old people seem to become luminous right before they die.


In Tibetan Buddhism they have a practice called Phowa. When the person dies, even if they have not meditated or worked on their spiritual practice, one can still have a favorable rebirth if someone performs Phowa (or transfernce of consciousness) on them.
I am uncertain if I would need that now that I know that death is peaceful.

For me personally it is more the agony of a slow death, the wasting of the body that I would fear rather than death itself.
So take life into both hands.
Love as if there was no tomorrow.
Do things that you would love to do.
Get over your fears and your ego and live a fulfilled live instead of hiding.

Be glad for someone when they die, because they move back towards infinity rather than being constricted by a human body. It is all that I can tell you right now to reassure you that you are loved.


Vanessa

The Void

As I looked up, I saw that night had descended upon the world. It felt like velvet and soothing to my soul, enveloping my being. Instead of staying in one place, I walked along the quay that lay deserted in front of me. It felt as if suspended in time and space. The sheer vastness of the location could make a person feel small or anxious, but to me it signaled peace. Curious, I took a few steps into the seeming void and found a pathway appear right underneath my feet. Barefoot I slowly walked in an easy motion, the gravel underneath not penetrating my feet. The surface seemed hard yet soft to the touch. My body fluidly moved through the impenetrable darkness.
Moving further along, the pathway opened up into a platform that overlooked a vast Ocean, still no noise to be perceived. I decided to sit down and to gaze into the abyss. Looking at the night sky, one was unable to fathom where the Ocean ended and the sky began. They seemed to merge into each other. I knew that there should have been stars above, but much like the blackness of the Ocean, it mirrored what was below. Even though everything was tinted in black, I was not scared. There just seemed to be a knowing about this place. It emanated freedom. Time stood still and I did not know what age I was or what I was doing in life. I just was.
I felt peace descend upon me and there was nothing to do, no questions to be asked. It was all answered and contained within this space.
After what seemed like an eternity, I got up. When I walked back along the quay, dream time had opened up again and I could see the busy streets of Indian nightlife along the river Ganga.

Knowing no one

For the first time in my life I am living in a city and I do not know anyone.
A city of 500.000 inhabitants and I just talk to some people at the organic store or at the market or at work and then I go home.
It is liberating for me!
The most incredible feeling ever. At first I thought it to be depressing but after a while I found that I love it. There is no stress to meet people, to have obligations to fulfill, no stress to be somewhere, no one who pushes me to do things or to cook. Just the plants need some watering.
It’s just me.

My Mum asked me recently what I do all day when I’m off. So I said I got plenty of things to do: I sit in my garden, paint, take photos, write. But most often I do nothing. Plain old nothing at all.

It is something incredible, because one gets complete rest. I don’t even watch TV or Netflix anymore. Sometimes I read books, but on some days it is incredibly challenging while trying to heal.
So instead of trying to do and to push for things, I let it go and rest in sweet deep nothingness.

You should try it one day.
It will set you free!


Vanessa

The essence of life

I’ve been trying to heal for so long that it often seems mission impossible. Doctors cannot find anything, nothing helps anymore and even Shakti is at her wit’s end. It has been an ongoing process for many years now. And apart from the missing soul pieces that we are trying to hunt down and to bring back, I still feel that sometimes it does not make any sense the way that we are living. It seems a bit pointless to just go to work, pay bills, and then go home. I have everything I need: Food, friends, a job, I have enough hobbies, and well, there’s the ongoing awakening… Maybe I am not simple enough, it could be that. But maybe there is more to it than that.

This is a bit off topic, but bear with me for a moment and indulge me in some story telling: Recently I decided not to buy books anymore. There are some book spaces in the city where you can borrow books and then put them back. There are some terrible ones that I have gone through but also some really great ones. Often clues come in books to me, so I remain curious every time I pick a new one. At the moment I am reading a book about two guys who fled World War two and instead spent a few years in the Namib desert, hiding there, hunting and living a very hard life.
Today, as I was having another restless moment that I have always had somehow since I was young, I read one of their many musings while being cut off from society. One of them was wondering whether our society may be so ill due to the softness of life. He goes further as to explain that their every day life was extremely harsh, sometimes they starved, sometimes they went thirsty, but they did feel very satisfied by it. He mentions that maybe our society lacks this endurance and this is what creates perpetual war mongering. Maybe he is onto something, I am starting to wonder. Because how come after all these hundreds of years, with technology expanding every day, that we are unable to live a peaceful life? Is it this which hinders us?
Certainly, there is greed and violence as a basis, but there must be something underlying here that all of us are missing. Even when I was young, I already wondered about these sort of things. It never made sense to me to go to school and then go home and study all the time. The other kids never seemed to question this. How come I was asking myself this question and no one else did?

Everyone seems to be so content with the system. I feel that, even though we have a lot of advantages, our system is utterly flawed. We are trying to push people through the exact same education with a little bit of a difference, then have them study or learn a job and then that’s it for the rest of your life. This is not enough for me. It just doesn’t do.

Sometimes I experience moments of great peace, of love, and of purity, but city life seems empty and just so busy. Everyone is running around like headless chicken. No one knows what they are doing, and most of them are discontent. Even the atmosphere in cities is like that. It is frantic, hectic, discontent. But people do not realize it.


What about the satisfaction that we all should get from life? We all have a right to it and we do not have to follow a system that is utterly flawed.

I do feel that the key still lies in living a life in harmony with nature instead of roaming around in cities that are devoid of true essence and power.


Vanessa

Pieces of your soul

In Chinese lore it is said that with each picture that is taken of us, a piece of our soul is being lost.

In a day and age where most people thrive on selfies this makes me wonder. How many pictures have you taken of yourself? How many pictures were taken of you in your entire life?
How many pieces of your soul have left? And how many remain?

In shamanism there exists a healing that is called soul retrieval. Not only do we loose pieces of our soul via pictures, but also through trauma, stress, and of course an onset of a disease. We can also loose pieces of our soul throughout space and time, meaning any certain past life, or lives that are happing right now in the multidimensional planes. Time moves both ways and is not linear. It is like an ever moving stream of consciousness, changing and re-shuffling things. The future is never set in stone and neither is the past. By techniques such as dream time access, soul retrieval, meditation, chanting, etc. one can alter even past lifetimes and therefore change the life one is living now.
It can be a huge change and we can also change things by focusing merely on this moment and trying to live it as best as we can. The future is certainly determined by things that we are doing or aren’t doing right now. With each decision or indecision at this moment, we determine our future outcome up to a certain extent. Some is pre-determined as already explained in a past post, but some is up fro grabs and one needs to work on the “up-for-grabs” part. Do not get bugged down.

Some days may be tougher than others, where old wounds and pain resurfaces. Unfortunately this is normal. We need to move into the abyss to know our dark side, our desires, and our strengths and weaknesses. For if we do not understand ourselves, how would we be able to understand others and the world? It is impossible.
So one day one might be cruising along, whereas the next one may struggle and fight with oneself.

We are only determined by our own standards.

Try to just be more instead of doing things.
The more this process moves along, the more I realize that I need to do less.
Less and less until not so much is left.
Until one comes to realize that one is the most important part in one’s equation.

If you are not well, no one around you will be.
Neither your plants, nor your children, nor nature around you.
It is impossible.
So focus on yourself in a loving and kind way, see where you still need to fight your own battles.
Discard what you thought to be true and just rest more.

The other things will then gradually work and come into play.

Take less selfies, and be more to recover pieces of your soul.

Vanessa

The Great Network of Light

There exists something that is called “The Great Network of Light”. These are people that have woken up and tap into the grid energy of those who are on a similar journey. Back in the nineties the number was about 6 million, but since then a long time has passed. Planet Earth has undergone an upgrade and more people have awoken to bring on a new era of being. We will see extremely large changes over the next ten to fifteen years. The old ways are dying and the only ones that will surpass this are the ones who are connected to this network. If you are stumbling upon this blog, chances are that you are either awakening, are interested in awakening, or maybe you are already connected to the Great Network of Light.
Who are these people?, you may ask yourself.

It is a diversified population. Some are well-known like His Holiness The Dalai Lama, Sri M, Sadhguru,… Some are healers, known or unknown, all across the globe who have woken up and holding the divine feminine inside of them in order to not only heal people but to augment the frequency in order to heal the planet. The residue of negativity that is remaining at this point in time is rather minimalistic and it will come to pass at a certain point.
Some are people who remain in hiding. They meditate for the benefit of humankind. Some are indigenous elders or wise men and women, Aborigines, Maori, the ones that always had a play in dream time, the ones that always knew that the world would change eventually.
Some are like me who are semi on the surface with some form of involvement in the network of light, but remain in public. It often feels as if walking on a tightrope. One foot is in the liminal space, and the other one is in 3D. It is a difficult space to be in, because one needs to still manage worldly life and at the same time maintaining an equilibrium on a spiritual level.

It is a world of its own and I would say it comes with a risk, but also tremendous beauty.
The risk is that you cannot stay the same. You will be catapulted out of your comfort zone and you are being asked to let go of your old memories, your woundings, your fears, your egotistical behavior, your smugness, your grudges, your self-loathing and your false ideas about life. You cannot stay the same at all and you will be asked to step up and do what was meant for you.
You are not meant to stay small, suffocating in a normal day job. You are meant to expand and uplift those around you. You are meant to shine, to not keep yourself small.
Be like a ruby glittering in the sun.
Be precious.
Be humble.
Be generous and gentle.

Be what you are meant to be and tap into the Great Network of Light to create a different world than the one we are living in right now.

It will be a world of harmony.
A world where the healing arts is the main mode of medicine.
A world where one can combine smart technology and ecology.
A world where arts, music, poetry, and spirituality will be in the foreground.
A world where we only eat organic.
A world free of pollution and pesticides.
A world free of tyranny.

You are the change!

Vanessa

Eternal Love

“It is said that at birth we are missing half of our soul. We spend all our lives searching for the other half.”
– anonymous

I want a love that
Lasts longer than life.
A love that is
eternal.

A love so consuming
That all burns in its
Presence.

Not only would my heart
Be set on fire
But also those around
Us.

A love so large
That it can never
die.

It must be infinite
For only in the finite
There lies deep sleep.

It must rumble
Like thunder
In both our hearts
So that we recognize
Each other
Immediately.

For I would rather
Perish
Than to not love
At all.

Vanessa

Open your heart

It is said that when a person’s heart opens the whole Universe stands still and listens. It is a special moment and many beings will come and witness this moment, because it is so particular and a rare thing. It is also irreversible and one cannot go back from such a large event. It is as if one’s whole physiology is changing on top of that. One will become more sensitive, more loving and kind, more understanding, much more vulnerable. One will most likely not be able to do the “normal” sort of behavior that other people adhere to: Drinking, partying, buying lots of things.

The heart will be the new compass and guide in life and ultimately lead to a very fulfilling life. Admittedly, the road is a long one, because one needs to shed all the layers and habits that one has built up over the decades and past lifetimes. It is not so easy to motivate oneself all the time to live from very high and divine standards. We are taught to listen to parents, teachers, to adults or people who have done more or studied more than us. We are never taught to question any of this and to listen to our own heart. How come the world is as it is?


I do not condemn any form of education, because it has its place and time. But we need to become more open and understand that the structures that are still in place, are changing and need a desperate overhaul. They need to be adjusted for people with open hearts and the more sensitive amongst us. I remember sitting in school and feeling rather tortured most of the time. Sometimes it was utterly boring, but being a sensitive and having all these people in one class, was rather unbearable. My psychic senses would become all confused, I would be tired all the time, and after vacation I would dread going there. It was not because I was a bad student, but because I felt highly squeezed in these structures. It was sheer agony most of the time. At the end I really lost interest, because I did not understand these strange rules.
Of course, over the course of my lifetime, I would close up more and more with occasional openings of the heart. But when it really opened, I started seeing that this world that we are currently living in seems rather backwards. In fact, I feel that we are still neanderthals and not comprehending the real essence of life. Somehow everyone is still trapped in the Roman Empire at the Coliseum and living “panem et circenses”. Bread and games. Games provided by the government to keep the general population quiet.

Do you know what baffled me the most during the pandemic? People could not wait to go shopping again, to go out and eat, to literally run from themselves. Why is that?

We are not taught to live from an open heart, to get to know ourselves, to be quiet, to look into nature and just be still. It is a constant bombardment of the senses.
With an open heart one understands that this is not a great way to live and that it is a form of running away, of becoming more unconscious all the time. It seems like a blindfold or some funny glasses that people put on and they perceive this to be their reality.
But what if that reality looked rather different? More loving, more kind? More sensitive?

I feel that it’s time for people to awaken. It is time for us sensitives to be the agent of change and to stay calm when everyone and everything is spiraling completely out of control.

I had a few moments of having this feeling that it would drag on forever, but things resolved themselves eventually. I chose to not get vaccinated. I have never been vaccinated ever in my entire life and I am highly sensitive to any form of chemicals. I felt absolutely sick once when I had to take an aspirin, and when I need to get injections at the dentist, I suffer for two weeks after. The pandemic dragged on for two years, I resisted people talking me into it, some became violent in speech towards me. I still did not do it. I do not see the point. The last winter moving back to Germany was grueling: I was not allowed to go anywhere but to go grocery shopping. So instead I went into nature and the things I needed, I ordered online. It was tough for a sensitive, because I felt this constant pressure, the fear around me, the anxiety, and having someone poke into my nose cavity having no aura,….well, it was plain excruciating to say the least.
But I resisted and stayed calm. And now, things have somehow settled down, society has parted ways as to be expected, and it has left a deep scar in humanity. It felt as if the pest was back in the days. When people are scared, they tend to do all sorts of things and become rather inhumane. Very curious pattern in people. Now most people I know that have gotten vaccinated had covid and most of them have a lot of health issues now. Strange enough.


But what I wanted to tell you all with this excerpt of my tiny life is that you need to work on opening your heart as wide as you can. You need to make space for the beggar, the thief, for the sociopath, for everyone around. You do not have to stand by and accept everyone’s anger or impatience, but rather to accept life and people as they are. Only when you change, the world around you will change. With an open heart, people will do all sorts of things that then will surprise you. Some become more aggressive, but some change into more compassionate beings over time.

It is through love that we can ignite the change in others. And this is what we need to have: a rather large change in the way we live, we see and experience the world. Otherwise it will become futile business to live a rather meaningless life and to be like zombies following everyone and everything.

Stand up, say no to things. Be patient and kind, but speak up. Don’t be quiet!
Open your heart, so you can be free!

Vanessa