This place is a dream

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“This place is a dream. Only a sleeper considers it real. Then death comes like dawn, and you wake up laughing at what you thought was your grief.”

– Rumi

Death came knocking at my door.
Not prepared, I was pleading for more
Life.
She said: “Do not fear me, for I am a part of Him.”
I answered: “Is this not a trick to take me on a whim?”
She felt furious and took my ego in disguise,
I laughed and cried,
I kid you not.

She took her scythe and chopped off my foot.
I screamed at her in agony,
Why was she doing this to me?

She said you must suffer to be reborn
Unless you try darkness
You may never see light.
I nodded my head and this made me sway.

Then I remembered the trick
A teacher taught me:
I prayed to God with all my might
And all at once
The angels came to my aid,
they took away my fears
And helped me to surrender
In tears.
I wailed and sang hail to Grace,
I wondered why I had forgotten
Their mighty embrace.

Death departed with her scythe,
My foot restored,
I said: “You were the devil in disguise.”
Don’t taunt me with your impertinent
Gaze
For I know who you are now
and I surrender only to God
And follow my own ways.

Relieved I sat surrounded by the angels’ wings
Their embrace so soft
Yet put me up to their strings
That lead to heaven.



Vanessa

Don’t leave me, even for an hour…

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“Don’t leave me, even for an hour, because 
then the little drops of anguish will all run together, 
the smoke that roams looking for a home will drift 
into me, choking my lost heart.”

– Pablo Neruda


Yesterday I experienced emotional pain. Another date, another strange experience. How come, I asked myself and looked into my heart. It said it was not the right one. People are scared of love.

A little while later at work a co-worker explained her view on love: She said that sometimes one does not need love to get married. Looking at her quizzically she expanded further. I shall spare you the details. This is no form of judgement, just an observation. She was thoroughly convinced of this idea.
When she left it took me a while to recover from this idea of hers. I contemplated it nonetheless, giving a fair chance to it. Why not? If I only ever see my point of view, how can I be certain that another’s point may not hold some form of validity.
But after a while I realized that I disagree for I thoroughly believe in love. In an eternal love.
Love that is so strong that nothing can break it. A love that is like fire, igniting all those around me. A love so intense that people must become blinded by the very fact that one is alive and burning with this love. A love that is so shining and brilliant, yet soft and beautiful that all must perish in its vicinity. No darkness can be left in its radar.

In the night I was sent yet another dream of a man I do not know and that love between us was so intense that no one could come in between. That is what I know to be true in my heart. It is an intense love, one that is passionate yet liberating, one that is quiet and peaceful, one that allows mistakes and the forgiveness of them. It allows for peace to enter one’s heart and to let this tremendous love unfold.

So no, I do not believe that one does not need love to get married. One needs tremendous amounts of love to get into any relationship of any sort.
How could you stay with someone who does not love you as you are?
It would be impossible.

So please love as if there was no tomorrow.
Do not listen to others who have lost their way.
Love as if the world was full with it, because that is the nature of God.
And love is the one thing that is always accessible wherever you are at and whatever situation you may encounter.
It is the only cure there is.

Be love. Do not get discouraged by others.
Stay there.


Vanessa

You

“I saw my Lord with the eye of the heart
I asked: ‘Who are You?’
He replied, ‘You’.”

  • Mansur al-Hallaj

In darkness we must walk for
A while
Diminished by our own pride.

For what else would there be
Left to do
But to adore You
Who is always near.

We forgot for
We became ignorant,
But all that is left
Is You and You.

If I cannot love You
I do not love myself.
If I cannot believe in You
I do not believe in myself.

What would the world be
Without You?
An unpopulated stream
Of masses that are unconscious.


The once golden city

“Your silver has become dross, your wine mixed with water.”

– Isaiah, 1.22

As I stood above the once golden city I watched as it had burned to ashes. Few buildings had been left standing. My face grew dark in compassion. The angel stood beside me to show me reign of terror, caused by anger and greed. I looked at her with tears streaming down
My face. I asked her: “How come this city has been burnt to ashes? Certainly no one deserves this.” She answered: “Dear ancient one. How come people must suffer every day? They have created their own cycle of suffering amongst them. Do you truly believe that we would inflict harm on anyone?”

I nodded in understanding, yet September sadness streamed from my heart.
“Who were they that they inflicted such pain upon themselves?”, I wondered aloud.
She answered silently: “They were the ones who did not believe in miracles and lost hope.”

I instantly understood that oll one needs to do is hold on to love. Immortal love that brings us ever closer. Who would we be without this love?
As I turned and moved back to the entrance that I came from a great wind surged over the surface of the fallen city. When I reached the half closed doors of freedom,
I looked back once more to take another glimpse of the devastation,
But nothing was left but a great plain.

And so it starts all anew…


Vanessa

Lost

In these very strange days all feels like dying.
We have not yet shed the old
And not welcomed in the new.
We are lost in the old ways
That no longer work
And discovering the new.

Who we once were
We do not remember
And as of now
We do not understand where
The future may take us.

We are lost in the abyss
That once we were glad
To visit
Without hesitation.

Who were we once
If not warriors of peace?
Have we not come into being
In order to heal?

Once a woman
We stand now as
Nothingness.
Wide and tall we grew into the depth
Of the Ocean.

Vanessa

Patience

” Have patience. All things are difficult before they become easy.”

– Saadî

Each time we start something new it seems insurmountable. The wealth of information, the depth, the richness of a new experience seems often too large to undertake. As humans we stand like the Prophet Mohammad (PBBUH) in front of the proverbial mountain. The mountain seems so enormous that we fear the newness of it. We have never seen such a mountain, let alone climbed one. We are short of techniques and unlike others, have never been to Nanga Parbat. We have never been in such high altitudes and our systems are not adapted to the lack of oxygen. Like fish on dry land.
We contemplate the situation and our mind will tell us a million reasons why this exact mountain may not be such a good idea or any other mountain. Because we are not fit enough, not prepared enough, we are not ready enough, too old, too tired,… There is always a reason why we should not explore the mountain.

I felt like this in art class on monday. As I have just moved back to Germany after twenty years of self-imposed travels, I still feel at odds with the culture. But I vowed that I would do my best to find my footing in this bizarre city that I have moved to. So instead of just standing in front of the mountain, I took a few steps towards it. I signed up for an intuitive arts class. I had no idea what was to be expected and on that day my mind nearly talked me into not going. It had a million reasons. Of course it did! It always does.
But in the end I went and was very positively surprised about the experience. One works with a different array of materials and puts them onto canvas. The material is gypsum. It needs to be of the right consistency and once one is content one moves it onto the canvas. It can be extremely thick or a little thinner, with holes or other parts in it. As one feels how it could be right. This is up to one’s own feeling and personal expression on that day. There’s another layer added consisting of lime putty and marble- it is quite thin and acts as a coating.
This is just a technical explanation. But the most important part was what was going on in my mind while creating the first canvas. It nearly attacked me. I was actually shocked and nearly started to cry. I have not had this in a while. I am aware that it was part of a subtle psychic attack and some of my ancient insecurities coming up. I felt I needed to make my stance and said: I am not listening to this. This is not mine and I am more than capable of putting some gypsum onto a canvas for F&#$s sake!
It immediately stopped. But it nearly drained the bejesus out of me. I often wonder if other people are having this or if it is part of my journey. I know that most psychics encounter this on and off as we pick up on the subtle chatter in the atmosphere. It felt debilitating to be honest, but after I finished the first canvas, I sat down, had a tea and had a chat to the teacher. I realized that I had picked up on the psychic things of my neighbor. As after she finished her one and only canvas, she was heaving and was having a hard time whereas I was back to my normal chatty self. I also realized I had not eaten before going to class and that I am more suspect to the subtle realms when I have not eaten properly. I always have been.
But I do realize that even though it was not mine, it had a resonant frequency. There exists some rest of not being brave enough to climb the mountain after all. It is a strange fear of the small things I have always had . I was never scared of large things. I just did them, because to most it seemed so impossible whereas I always said that if something was impossible why then not go and try. It is the small stuff that I am sweating most times.

But it is safe to say that the second canvas was done in partial rage at this psychic attack and partial Shakti moving through me in powerful waves. I had said “enough” and taken my power back. But interestingly rage came up and not peace.
Maybe I feel enraged that I did not go to the mountain earlier. Maybe I have become so insecure as my psyche did not want to try new things. How strange. Is this what happens with age?
And so I decided that I needed to be patient when it comes to some parts of my mountain and explore other mountains as well.

Have you explored Nanga Parbat yet?


Vanessa

Thief of dreams

“As a child I saw God,
I saw angels;
I watched the mysteries of higher and lower realms.
I believed that everyone saw the world this way. But then I realized that they saw nothing…”

– Shams-e-Tabrizi

“I love you”,
The angel said to me.
But I just looked
At him quizzically.
“Escape”, he said,
“You must
Your inner hate
For otherwise you
May not encounter
Your fate.”

Recklessly I cried
Both night and day.
He said: “Godspeed”.
And left me alone
To my dismay.

Gentleness I
Need to learn
Otherwise my life
May be of much concern.
Open eyes and open heart,
From this world
We must all depart.

Silently I
Drifted off to
Sleep and
Felt like a thief
In my own dreams.


Have you seen other worlds yet?


Vanessa

The Friend

“No matter what people call you, you are just who you are. Keep to this truth. You must ask yourself how is it you want to live your life. We live and we die, this is the truth that we can only face alone. No one can help us. So consider carefully, what prevents you from living the way you want to live your life?” 

  • Shams-e-Tabrizi

Shams set out a long time ago to find a friend. He was different from the other dervishes: A quicksilver temperament, but a heart of gold. From a young age he saw angels and talked to God, believing that other peoples’ lives would be the same. A few years later he realized that this was not so and vowed to walk his path in love. In later life he prayed so fervently to God to send him a spiritual friend that he was having dreams about him a year before he met Rumi. When they finally met, they knew that fate had finally brought them together. They would experience great shifts in their hearts, but also endure pain and suffering. There is a price to pay.
In Sufism the spiritual friend is one of the most important components of the path. Without the spiritual friend one can get lost in the myriads of alleyways that present itself. However, it can be said that the spiritual friend can present themselves in a myriad of faces all over the globe. The friend can show up in a lover, a parent, a husband, a lady at a supermarket, at the local market, at a café, at the art gallery or at a local reading. Who knows where they are hiding? They are everywhere- they are mouth pieces of divine consciousness and we are the ones that have to listen.
We should realize that no matter what, we have to remain centered, never loose our sense of gravity. We have to get to know ourselves, not wondering what happened in the past but what we are encountering right now. Often we have to overcome heavy burdens, such as financial obstacles, health problems, issues with work or friends and family. They are tests on a highway that leads us into a more settled and creative way of living. A step toward a different future, a timeline that only we create and not others. We have to become so aware that only love is the narrative that will sing from our hearts, the narrative that we would like to speak and emanate wherever we may go. It is a love for humanity, for nature, and for the creatures that crawl upon the earth that holds us up. Nothing less and nothing more. We are no other than we want to be. We always have a choice: Choose love or hate.
There exist no other choices in life that cannot be linked to that. Only love or hate. Each day you have to re-evaluate which road to take. Love or hate?
But you have to know yourself for this completely and surrender to the process until nothing is left but love.

You will know that you found your spiritual friend long before they show up. You will dream of them for a whole year. They will move in and out of your dreams for a precise year. They will not show their face for many months, maybe even the entire year. But when the time is right they will finally show their face in a dream and then make themselves known in real life. This is how the Universe works. There is no other way. But you have to be sincere in your undertaking. There is no going back on it afterwards, no second thoughts. Do not listen to the workings of the mind that is always like a little bird changing its direction. You have to become as stern as a tree and hold onto love. For only this will carry you over to your miracle of the spiritual friend.

One day they will stand right in front of you and you will know.

Have you found your spiritual friend yet?

Vanessa

Hope

“We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.”

– Martin Luther King Jr.

Sometimes we must wander in darkness for a certain period of time. We must come to accept that we have luminosity as well as obscure areas within us. By embracing our shadow, we can emerge from such periods that seem to shatter one’s ego structure and emerge as different beings. The one thing that always carries one through these times of seeming darkness, is this that has been given to humanity and will never die: HOPE.
It is a center peace of the human race, much like love. There is no need for dwelling in despair too long, no need to descend further into our own hell, but to accept that we hold two aspects of creation within us all the time. One cannot exist without the other.
A few years ago in a meditation, I had the realization that all runs as it is on this planet. There is no right or wrong, all evil is the flip side of the heaven that we are able to create as humans. All is running as it should. Certainly, we should not close our eyes to cruelty, poverty, and wars. This is not what I am indicating, but rather that we need to take responsibility for what it is that we are thinking, doing, feeling, and certainly NOT doing. It is a personal choice to be here on this planet, even in these turbulent times. We need to tap into that hope so that we can evolve.
Otherwise we can fall victim to the despair that is now emerging from the collective conscious.
We need to understand that we are all one part of each other, all a part of the whole that even goes beyond our beautiful planet earth and moves out into the cosmos.
We need to seek peace in all situations, as difficult as they may seem. We need to seek freedom from an illusion that we have created- at the moment it seems that we have created one of struggle and limitation. We need to seek shelter in our own hearts so that we can find love and truth so that we can experience comfort.
Not everything on human path is easy. Even if one is moving in spiritual circles. It is a tough journey that will demand discipline. Albeit gentle discipline and be at ease with what life brings us. We need to see that the world keeps on turning. She will survive us- we may vanish into oblivion after a while but she will continue.
So today’s message is one of hope that may shine the light of consciousness into the darkest corners of your heart. The them become illuminated and forget about old grudges, about your anger, about guilt and shame. Let yourself be free.

Have you felt hope today?

Vanessa