Lover’s dream

Lover’s dreams
Streaming down my face,
Love’s agony leaving
From my solemn heart.

Wandering in loneliness
Where are you now?

Forgetfulness condemning me
I wonder, where you have
Been hiding for so long?

Memories may fade
Until we meet again,
Oh heart of my Beloved.

Once we were two,
Now one,
Time has just begun to
For I am nowhere to be found
But here.



“Midway upon the journey of our life,
I found myself within a forest dark,
For the straightforward pathway had been lost.

Ah me! How hard a thing it is to say,
What was this forest savage, rough, and stern,
Which in the very thought renews the fear.”

– Dante Alighieri, Inferno

“Ashes to ashes,
Fire to fire,
She is burning my every desire.

Setting me free,
Gracing me with liberty.
Love’s endless game,
All blame and shame

From my broken heart.
Love’s burning glance,
Offering me a second chance.

Throughout nights so terrifying and bleak
I discovered a streak
Of light
That brought me near
To my deepest fear.

Illuminating one’s own path,
I must depart
And fall back into my own midst,
Outwitted I had sought
The devil’s calamities.

But being Persephone nonetheless
I urged forward and
Overcame my own death.
Faked it,
Carried along the way to my own punishment
I felt a light descend.

My heart glowing now
For all to see
What was it that set Persephone free?

The apple I saw in her hand
Pomegranate shone through her being
Spring dawned on me
And so I hailed Persephone.

Bade goodbye all those
Who came from hell
And let myself be


World dressed in silence

This morning when my consciousness awoke,
The world was dressed in silence.
Thick white snowflakes falling from the skies,
A rosebush hidden in my heart,
I felt joy pulsing through
My eternal being.

Nowhere to go now,
Oh, My Beloved.
So bittersweet
This love I have for you.
I watch crystalline
Strucutres descend
To acknowledge
Grace’s beauty.

Open my heart
For in this life
All I know
Is Your love.


Life as a series of events

If we really look at it, life seems to be a series of events. They are strung together by our mind holding onto them, as if they defined us.
But what would happen if they were taken away? What if no one but ourselves created those thwarted stories?

Try it. Take them away. Do you feel all that space that is being freed? All that inner depth that you can now access?
Can you feel all that you feared once melting away?

It is this void that one must access in order to liberate yourself.

There is nothing to fear, nothing to lose, nothing to gain.

It is in this void that we must find peace.
One finds one’s own love and devotion.

Nothing less.
Nothing more.

Let it all go and embrace the void.


Grace’s prisoner

“…time will not destroy love,
it stronger will be!”

– Majnun

Heart in exile,
I am my own worst enemy.
Cruelty is dying
And love must descend.

A lifetime I have spent running
From love,
But in this loneliness of mine
I must die.

Grace’s prisoner
There remains no will of
My own.

A fractal of light
I am uncertain of my
Own dreams.

Who am I
To declare a war
On anger?

It shall disappear


In you is the remedy

New Year, New Beginnings….

Finally, I have started a new job.
It is the first time in years that I get up and I am looking forward to go to work. Certainly, it is still a bit tricky with Kundalini Shakti, but it has always been like this. Nothing has changed.
I am also starting to see my patterns: Over the course of my lifetime I have had the tendency not to work 100% but 180% or more. I have completely exhausted my reserves throughout my sound engineering days. Before that I had exhausted them with partial partying, studying and having four jobs at the same time.
When I started reading Sufi poetry, I cam across a poem by Hazrat ‘Ali (Prophet Mohammed’s (PBBUH) nephew). It starts with the following verses:

“You do not know it, but in
you is the remedy;
you cause the sickness, but
this you do not see.”

I remember being perplexed about the poem, where something resonated within me. At the same time it made my ego-structure feel a bit angry: How could I be the cause of my own illness? Is it not the fault of (please fill in here) my genetics, the weather, the jobs I have done, other people, etc. Of course I never wanted to understand back then that I am myself the cause of my illness.
But over the past few months I have watched myself closely: I have the tendency as a sensitive being to pick up things from others, sure, but also to completely overdo it. It is nearly as if I am trying to do a Salto Mortale every other second. This cannot a way of living. So I have to take the pressure off of myself, to rest more, to be content with what I got (and I got A LOT!), to hardly do any spiritual practice (very difficult for me), to abstain to constantly be with people or input.
I started doing little things each day, have periods of rest, even at work. Sometimes one needs to be absolutely bored to understand oneself. I also understood that what I thought of self-care is in fact no self-care. I need to find my own ways an rituals and not do what other people or society believes to be self-care. A massage from someone is NOT self-care for a sensitive, so I rather have to do self-massage instead of getting one.
I should not be spiraling on a daily basis and have to eat very different from others to replenish and to keep the awakening going on a subtle basis. I still have some aura issues, but I am working on it. I feel that it will diminish over time if I persist and not get into the over-doing mode.
Looking at all of this, I have to say, that somehow divine consciousness put me in a place again where I have a lot of motivated, fun, and also very faithful people. Even the names of some of my favorite Saints and Sages are in the mix, where I do not believe that this is a complete coincidence. On the third day I already had a conversation about Sufism and the tenets of the Holy Qur’an. I do not take anything personal anymore and seem to have developed a certain neutrality on relatively “normal” days. Sometimes it is still hard, because I still experience phases when I do not want to speak and I actually have to, but I am sure right now that this new job is no coincidence at all.
It stands in stark contrast to my last one where I was having a hard time holding it down even as a 50% job. I felt off and completely inadequate. I used to think that it is me, but I am seeing now that it was the completely wrong environment, a boss who was way too overwhelmed, and some weird circumstances. But the job brought me to this city I am living in where I am finding back to myself, to find my talents and back to my own center of gravity instead of having it revolve around a job or another person. I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells all the time in my last job and not like myself at all. I can be at times fatalistic when I feel very tired, but most times I am quite goofy and love to laugh. This was not possible at my last work and I had to learn that some jobs are not made for one and that one needs to walk away. It is not about being a quitter, but rather understanding that this situation is just not working.

I also came to the conclusion that retreats are way too much for me and that I need to do exactly NOTHING. To just be, but of course this is the hardest part, because I still have it ingrained in me that I need to do lots of spiritual practice. But the other day I realized that I am in quite a fortunate position and that Kundalini Shakti has been active for so long and guiding me all my life. There is nothing to overcome or do really, but rather to live and figure out what it is that I want. To become more compassionate and loving is just an automatic by-product.

And that’s it for 2023. Maybe it will be less eventful than the last years, but that is fine by me.
I am my own remedy after all…

With this I am wishing you a good start to 2023 (if you are following the Solar calendar).


Essence of Love

In the mornings when I wake up
there can only be peace.
A few moments before the body reminds itself
Of living,
the mind catches up
and I listen to my heartbeat.
Wherever I go, there is my heart.

It speaks of long lost loves,
Of dreams of yesterday,
Unraveling time
In its essence of eternity.
Matter of no importance
It dances throughout the ages,
Through renaissance nuisance,
Composing a melody,
The essence of love.

Follows me day and night,
I cannot sleep
Because of it.
Calling me in a myriad of
I follow you,
My heart
Through desert storms
And Infinity.
Haunted by
The essence of love.

Shadows greet me at dawn
Never fading
Reminding me of ever present
But even in death
There can only be the
Essence of love.

A scent so sweet
That no one can resist it,
An overwhelming fatigue
Grabs me by my shadow,
Twisting my heart,
this is
The essence of love.

Never leaving me
Always with me.
I carry it
With humble pride.

The essence of love.



“Ne pas choisir
C’est encore choisir.”

– Jean-Paul Sartre

(Not choosing still remains choosing)

Today I am turning 42 in this lifetime. It seems like an eternity to be alive. 42 in the medievals was old and now it is but a fragment of a lifetime. Sometimes my body feels as if it s already a hundred years old. In a sense it is and has endured so many lifetimes. It is a physical shell, yet, remains the vehicle for enlightenment.
I made a choice before I was born and how my life would unfold, I could not know. Because some things are left up to fate. So far I move in between loving it and at the same time asking myself: What is the point? Some days can be excruciating while others can be incredibly intense and beautiful. I am still trying to find that equilibrium that can be so easily destroyed. So instead of having a party or meeting with friends, I decided to treat myself to some pots for my plants and take myself on a date to the museum. As I have studied hospitality management, the university believed in a wide variety of subjects and we also took arts history and literature as subjects, which I truly loved. I had a thing for the expressionists and even though I did my paper on them, I hardly remembered that Essen was quite the city for expressionism. So today I was reminded of it by going to the Folkwang Museum. Of course it was packed. I moved through stages of intense fear throughout the exhibition. There was this silent angst stored up, residues in my nervous system from inherited World Wars. Especially World War II. I had to face my fears and move through this exhibition. It ranged from pain to elation, to feeling ill at times. But I took my time and what unfolded was actually very moving: Some paintings, I could tell, were infused with this divine energy, where the painter seemed to have moved out of the way, for them to be a channel for divine expression. Some were made out of life stories, most of them tragic, some were made out of ego, but rarely. Expressionism seems to be an art form where there was no room for large egos. It was a specific time period and painters lived in a sense that all they created could be destroyed at the blink of an eye. The destruction of paintings when not adhering to Nazi standards was the hardest bit to swallow.

It has never gotten easy. I still feel this national guilt.

It’s deep rooted and it has gotten better over the decades, but I still can never say with pride: I am of German origin in this lifetime. It is a hard task that I may have to muster in this lifetime. The thing that I realized about this is though that most countries had a play in all these happenstances. Most marched with the troops or had to follow. How much resistance was there? Not enough I would say, but it takes courage to do that, so I am not blaming anyone. I cannot put a guilt-trip on anyone either, because I would not know how it was like not to follow what was preached back then.
But it resurfaced obviously during this exhibition. It was tough to face this again, but when I finally went to another part of the exhibition, I felt relieved to have gone through it. It felt as if some of these parts of sadness had been taken away (I hope not to resurface again).

But today I felt at home for the second time in a few weeks. Somehow the expressionists have been like a string of synchronicities in my life. And here, on my birthday, they had turned up again.
Of course the first painting I saw reminded me of the kriyas people have when going through an awakening. It was so uncanny that it took me aback. Even though I had seen some of these works before, this I had never seen and it was incredibly beautiful. If there hadn’t been that many people, I just would have stayed there forever.
Another topic that stuck out was the study of the feminine body, which I am still somehow struggling with- it’s a love and sometimes dislike relationship. I am trying to make my peace with this bodily form in this lifetime. It is not so bad that I would consider gender change, but I do have my moments.

And of course the last topic was my effervescent crucifixion and resurrection. It never disappears. It is like it is calling me to surrender to my fate. Sometimes one is asked to just be and leave everything else alone. I always wonder: How could Christ have just walked up there. I’ve had many visions of him over the years, but I have to admit that there must have been no ego left for him and this is terribly hard to picture as we live in a society where ego is the dominating factor. He had only devotion to the divine and humanity, so soft, and so pliable. Unbelievably tender and open he must have been. Human but not human at all…

So today, I had to make a choice. It felt as if my inner being intended me to do so. It reignited my love for the expressionists and for doing what I really love doing. One just needs to stay courageous yet grounded into this reality (which is mighty difficult).