“Great doubt will eventually lead to great awakening.”
– Rabi’a al-Adawiyya
Consumed by doubt
I trapped in darkness.
Fear overwhelming me
As if out of a cruel fantasy.
How could I know
What was real and what not
I had my mind tied up
In a fantastic knot.
I beckon Thee
For love and surrender
Because of You
I experience Divine splendor.
Rest in peace
You say to me
I wonder if end is near
Or dawn is a new day.
But nonetheless I obey.
Your rules are Yours
Not mine to understand
But whatever you may have planned
My ego reprimands
But my heart agrees
May have been deceived.
Is the only cure
May it guide you
On the path to
What have been your doubts lately?
The traps of the ego are many. It is only by staying true to ourselves that we can be born over and over again.
As I walked along the streets being here yet not of this world, I looked at my surroundings and realized once more how energetically sensitive I have become. It is not a matter of switching it on and off anymore. It is just this way all the time. Sometimes I am trying to go back to old ways but I give up pretty quickly as it does not work anymore. It does not fit in with this ever growing new person that I do not know. It is a wondrous person that surprises me a lot, each and every day. Sometimes in not such a great way, sometimes in very amazing ways. It changes all the time. Sometimes thoughts come up where I feel I should be beyond thinking them, but in actuality it is more of an energetic ripple that moves through and then it is gone. Not to be followed, just to be acknowledged and then being let go. Some of the energetic techniques that I have learned do not work anymore- they have either become obsolete or are too much for the body to bear as large amounts of light are streaming through it every day.
But let us go back to walking through the back streets of busy Essen city: As I walked past cars and some people, I had asked for why I was this sensitive again. Even though it has become pretty much my every day experience it had hightened over the past few weeks. It was horrible to be at work with this. I was picking up things from everyone, transmuting it, my body just really really tired. Once more I realized that we are a society of “having to function”. It is impossible for me. Last week it got so bad that I nearly went and applied for living in a spiritual community. The prices scared me though and admittedly a message came through saying that my place is right here and now. Then I was starting to wonder how it must be for a newborn with all these impressions coming into the world. It must be so overwhelming with all this information coming in, don’t you think?
Fine, I thought, I will try and do this. But as I walked past a car it said E-GO 2013. I had a good laugh and took a picture. In 2013 I became ill and it was partially due to my ego. I believe that the same thing is happening in a similar form now: My ego is moving always further into the background and therefore one becomes highly sensitive. It is just the way it is.
After having a good laugh at the universe conveying its messages, I continued to walk along the streets, listening to the trees rustling their leaves and the wind conveying messages of peace and freedom.
Are you undergoing a rebirth?
Built on water I saw this great city standing in the morning sun. The roofs glistened
while birds flew over the clear blue skies. At Santa Maria della Salute, I tried to greet the face of the lagoon. Its sadness reflected in my retina, I cried her tears of long lost love.
The world had turned into a different way of being. Life had become fast paced, on the hunt for success. The city remembered its peak days and with it came melancholy. She sighed deeply and awaited the streams of tourists coming in before the first cafes opened. She remembered how it took part in the amorous endeavors of Casanova, his passion, his games of flirtation and love. She remembered the painters and writers, the forsaken, the young and old that had dwelled in her embrace, the lagoon softly swaying everyone to sleep. She had resonated with the exuberance of her inhabitants over millennia, even remembering the grueling parts of the pest. She was young, wanted and had welcomed visitors from the orient with their strange looking clothes and elegant merchandise. She remembered how she had been fatigued of the events that unfolded underneath her warm embrace. Now she had become sad and spying on the little love affairs that sometimes unfolded in her calles late at night. She watched over the lovers in the gondolas and wished for different times than those that she was experiencing now. She realized how old she had become, still proud of her facade, of her churches and palaces, but underneath she felt tired.
At night she liked to hum everyone into a comfortable sleep, something so brilliant and shining that no one realized that she was holding everyone in her loving arms. She sang to them her old love songs, her arias of unrequited love. She filled the sleepless with wonder so that they may become deep sleepers. Some resisted, but still knew that she was there for them. Forgetfulness started being her every day romance. She knew she was becoming a sleeping city. Where were the young ones, the ones that held her firmly in their embrace. The ones that still knew her heartbeat. Not many were left, but a new arrival had peaked her interest. Her name was Ezekiel and with her the city had been catapulted out of her slumber.
As darkness descended upon the earth, I lay in bed. Shakti had risen through the left channel and my heart opened further. My body was humming in the process and I was wondering why I had been in victim mode for such a long time. My inner strength was restored somehow. I realized that I had been listening to my own fears instead of following the divine path.
The angels by my side are continuously guiding me, so why be sad or fearful? They all got it worked out. I just need to keep on going.
So today I am calling on all lovers and loners.
I know that you are out there. It is a tough time for anyone who is more sensitive, for anyone who is awakening, for anyone who is creative and does not follow “normal” standards. I know that you are all there.
I am calling on you to be there for yourself. You are loved beyond your imagination. You are being looked after by powers that exude unconditional love. You are here to fulfill a purpose. What this purpose is may look different for everyone, but it will be shown over a long period of time.
Have you been feeling lonely, been maybe even self-loathing?
Then now is the time to look within. Look at all the love you have to give, look at all the people that you know. Look at all the wonderful things that you have accomplished already. Look at your inner strength and wisdom. Do not listen to the outside world that often has a sense of caving in on you. It is not very conducive. It is a world that is still built on doing and functioning. Can you function on the same level every day? I cannot. I never have been able to do that and I am coming to terms with it.
You are a unique human being and you just need to find your groove in this world. It is okay to be sad sometimes, to feel whatever it is that you need to feel. Are you in physical pain? Don’t just listen to the doctor. Listen to what your body is telling you.
Currently I am undergoing an extremely large ego dissolution and it has been going on for a few months now. Due to this I am hyper sensitive to pretty much everything.
At the doctor’s I was prescribed a medicine to “calm the nerves” and when I looked it up it said it was an anti depressant. I am not depressed but just having a hard time to fit into a world that’s always based on doing and performance. So I threw it away.
I listen to my feelings, my instincts, sometimes I still rationalize. I have grown up in the West so that is okay as well. But my world is much more powerful than the world that some are trying to push onto me.
So if you are a sensitive, if you are feeling lonely or very different, this is good. It’s okay to not always be on. It is impossible to perform on a daily basis as per our “normal” world. It is okay to be more soft and sensitive.
I am calling on all lovers and loners. On all sensitives, on all those who are of service through your uniqueness.
I am calling on you to stand tall and to stand your own ground. You need to do what you feel is right, not what medicine or other people are telling you. You are not depressed and there is nothing wrong with you. You are just you and you have a different time frame than other people.
Be a lover.
Be an adventurer.
Be an introvert.
Be whatever you need to be in these times of turmoil for you are carrying the world into a new era of being!
Have you been a lover today?
A million nights and days I dreamt of you.
Yet I fail to see you.
You are there but not,
Desperation settling in to
See what one day may become reality.
Days gone by so quickly,
Year has started and nearly ends.
Desert days invaded my
Where are you,
Heart races so quickly,
I do not know
Where to look
You shall appear
Right in front of me
And we shall weep tears of joy.
Before the wedding I talked to her. She looked full, voluptuous, and as if she was bursting with life. Her hair thick and lush, made into a turban. I was lying in bed and worried, because my hair was in such a disarray in comparison to hers. It looked like a bird’s nest whereas hers was sitting gracefully on her head.
I was worried about our husband that would maybe not like me. I said to her: “You are so beautiful.” She hugged me, kissed me, and said: ” And so are you. He will love you as you are. You are perfect.” I got out of bed, put my wedding gown on and it dawned on me that I would be the second wife. Would I be happy with being the second wife? Shakti danced her dance and rose up through suśumna…
When I woke up, I felt tired but at ease with myself for the first time in weeks.
In Hawaiian lore, it is said that our soul is split into two. It has two spirits: The unihipili, the bodily sheath of a person or that which departs at death.
The uhane or aumakua, that which is eternal, or the oversoul. That which can remain in the astral world if things are left unfulfilled.
I had been saying to my Higher Self to send me some guidance for a few months now. It’s been vague to say the least. In Christian lore the aumakua would be the Holy Guardian Angel.
And so instead of a message during the day, because I am mainly busy with things, she sent me this dream.
It was resplendent and out of the darkness of my own being I was catapulted into love again.
The message, much like the one a few days ago, is: He loves you just the way you are. God loves you in all His forms and ways. There is nothing that we need to add or deduct. It is only our ego and the mind that interfere with this process. My Higher Self looked voluptuous and filled with life as I would imagine her. With thick hair. And then my own Self realized that I needed to put myself first and not others, that I am just well as I am. Just because we are all eternal…
Have you talked to your Higher Self yet?
“Deliver me, O jesus:
From the desire of being esteemed…”
– Mother Theresa
Have you ever wanted to vanish off of the face of the earth?
I certainly have many times. One year it became so strong that I nearly did exactly that: I wanted to go with my surfboards and just leave for Java or some remote region of the planet of the earth.
But guess what? Illness hindered me.
In hindsight, even though sometimes it still crosses my mind, it is a good thing. Knowing myself a bit better now, a little less than a decade later, I can say that it served me good. This illness, which Tibetan’s call meditator’s disease (we call it PTSD) or I call it doing too much, is always a sure sign whether I am moving in the right direction or not. If I had gone off the grid back then I am certain that I would have somehow managed to kill myself. This is not an exaggeration on my behalf. I had a knack for getting myself into trouble. When I was younger it was small things, but when I got older, the situations had to be more grand, more, well, more of anything really. I went into waves when surfing, even though I knew I should not push it on a certain day. I had a few close calls, but did not see the forest for the trees. I had strange occurrences which I can now pinpoint as to what it was spiritually, but in hindsight I was blocked, focused on one thing only. And that was making it in surfing. I wanted to go away, to leave, to vanish as if I never had existed, yet, somehow leave my mark. This is nearly impossible in a world that thrives on recognition and wanting to be someone.
There is a prayer by Mother Theresa that I found many years later and it starts with:
“Deliver me, O Jesus: From the desire of being esteemed.”
So for this I wish to be freed from wanting to be esteemed. I wish that I did not have the desire in the slightest, which I cannot say is true. We all have some form or the other of it in our current society. Look at me writing this blog. Is it not a desire of being esteemed writing about all these things? It may be slight or just in the background, but I do feel that it is there. When I was younger I wanted to become an artist. I still do. Rilke wrote that being an artist takes time. It is something that one cannot rush or force. One needs to relax, be with oneself, and to understand that it is the indwelling spirit that promotes a healthy creativity.
I would like to change this connotation within myself and rather wish that people get inspired by my writing or paintings or whatever it is that I do (or not do). Rather than the desire of being esteemed I would like to change it into inspiration and love for creativity. So that others can get inspired to write or to do whatever it is that they wish for. It should be an expression of divine love rather than a desire of being esteemed.
Have you found your lack of wanting to be esteemed yet?
Everywhere and always.
We’re sky bound.
Are you coming?”
Little steps I take
On uncertain ground.
Underneath my feet.
I struggle to stand
Yet love holds me up.
Fear makes one drown.
Desert dreams long gone
I stare into this Western sky.
So strange to me,
I wonder who invented it.
So foreign to me.
Yet, I come from this country.
Who am I?
I wonder in this eternal grave of concrete.
Happens to everyone
Once in a while
You say to me.
Dropping from your mouth.
I wonder how one could be so sad
For an eternity.
Have you forgotten to love?,
I wonder aloud.
You look at me and say
That all needs to go-
No falsehood can be derived out of love.
Truth, as a matter of fact
Is sharp and grants freedom.
All else will diminish
Your sense of power.
In your closets.
Who are you
If no one else but me?
Are you coming?
Golden tears I cried both night and day
With you by my side
I may not sway.
Be open to love’s
We are here to face
Discard all that is not love
She said to me
For it will bring a lot of
Wanting and needing are only
What is on peoples’
It may be the devil in disguise.
Wish for love and compassion to everyone
For all we know
You may be gone
Let not this world’s craziness
For it is a must
To stay clear
Of violence and greed
So you may succeed
In your endeavor
To see a brighter tomorrow.
“A life without love is of no account. Don’t ask yourself what kind of love you should seek, spiritual or material, divine or mundane, eastern or western…divisions lead only to more divisions. Love has no labels, no definition. It is what it is, pure and simple. Love is the water of life. And a lover is a soul on fire! The universe turns differently when water loves fire!”
It is said that love has a million different faces.
It gets manifested in the smile of a stranger,
The touch of a mother,
The kiss of a lover,
The speech of a beggar,
A bird’s song.
It is the cry of a newborn, the first breath
That each one of us breathes.
It is inherent in nature,
In the gaze of the Beloved.
All we need to do is to let go of our fears
And to embrace gentleness.
Only then can we illuminated by
The light that shines in our hearts.