Stillness of love

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In the stillness of love
My heart awakens to death.
Near me
I bow to you
Continuously.

Who but You
Could ever know what I need?
Who but You
Could ever know of
What my heart speaks.

Longingly
You hold me in Your embrace
Bittersweet tears
Make me die
A million deaths.

Until my rebirth
I never knew
What love could do.

Tell me,
Have You been
Always been waiting for me?


Vanessa

World dressed in silence

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This morning when my consciousness awoke,
The world was dressed in silence.
Thick white snowflakes falling from the skies,
A rosebush hidden in my heart,
I felt joy pulsing through
My eternal being.

Nowhere to go now,
Oh, My Beloved.
So bittersweet
This love I have for you.
Mesmerized
I watch crystalline
Strucutres descend
To acknowledge
Grace’s beauty.

Open my heart
For in this life
All I know
Is Your love.



Vanessa

Life as a series of events

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If we really look at it, life seems to be a series of events. They are strung together by our mind holding onto them, as if they defined us.
But what would happen if they were taken away? What if no one but ourselves created those thwarted stories?

Try it. Take them away. Do you feel all that space that is being freed? All that inner depth that you can now access?
Can you feel all that you feared once melting away?

It is this void that one must access in order to liberate yourself.

There is nothing to fear, nothing to lose, nothing to gain.

It is in this void that we must find peace.
One finds one’s own love and devotion.


Nothing less.
Nothing more.

Let it all go and embrace the void.


Vanessa

Grace’s prisoner

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“…time will not destroy love,
it stronger will be!”

– Majnun

Heart in exile,
I am my own worst enemy.
Cruelty is dying
And love must descend.

A lifetime I have spent running
From love,
But in this loneliness of mine
I must die.

Grace’s prisoner
There remains no will of
My own.

A fractal of light
I am uncertain of my
Own dreams.

Who am I
To declare a war
On anger?

It shall disappear
…eventually.



Vanessa

In you is the remedy

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New Year, New Beginnings….

Finally, I have started a new job.
It is the first time in years that I get up and I am looking forward to go to work. Certainly, it is still a bit tricky with Kundalini Shakti, but it has always been like this. Nothing has changed.
I am also starting to see my patterns: Over the course of my lifetime I have had the tendency not to work 100% but 180% or more. I have completely exhausted my reserves throughout my sound engineering days. Before that I had exhausted them with partial partying, studying and having four jobs at the same time.
When I started reading Sufi poetry, I cam across a poem by Hazrat ‘Ali (Prophet Mohammed’s (PBBUH) nephew). It starts with the following verses:

“You do not know it, but in
you is the remedy;
you cause the sickness, but
this you do not see.”

I remember being perplexed about the poem, where something resonated within me. At the same time it made my ego-structure feel a bit angry: How could I be the cause of my own illness? Is it not the fault of (please fill in here) my genetics, the weather, the jobs I have done, other people, etc. Of course I never wanted to understand back then that I am myself the cause of my illness.
But over the past few months I have watched myself closely: I have the tendency as a sensitive being to pick up things from others, sure, but also to completely overdo it. It is nearly as if I am trying to do a Salto Mortale every other second. This cannot a way of living. So I have to take the pressure off of myself, to rest more, to be content with what I got (and I got A LOT!), to hardly do any spiritual practice (very difficult for me), to abstain to constantly be with people or input.
I started doing little things each day, have periods of rest, even at work. Sometimes one needs to be absolutely bored to understand oneself. I also understood that what I thought of self-care is in fact no self-care. I need to find my own ways an rituals and not do what other people or society believes to be self-care. A massage from someone is NOT self-care for a sensitive, so I rather have to do self-massage instead of getting one.
I should not be spiraling on a daily basis and have to eat very different from others to replenish and to keep the awakening going on a subtle basis. I still have some aura issues, but I am working on it. I feel that it will diminish over time if I persist and not get into the over-doing mode.
Looking at all of this, I have to say, that somehow divine consciousness put me in a place again where I have a lot of motivated, fun, and also very faithful people. Even the names of some of my favorite Saints and Sages are in the mix, where I do not believe that this is a complete coincidence. On the third day I already had a conversation about Sufism and the tenets of the Holy Qur’an. I do not take anything personal anymore and seem to have developed a certain neutrality on relatively “normal” days. Sometimes it is still hard, because I still experience phases when I do not want to speak and I actually have to, but I am sure right now that this new job is no coincidence at all.
It stands in stark contrast to my last one where I was having a hard time holding it down even as a 50% job. I felt off and completely inadequate. I used to think that it is me, but I am seeing now that it was the completely wrong environment, a boss who was way too overwhelmed, and some weird circumstances. But the job brought me to this city I am living in where I am finding back to myself, to find my talents and back to my own center of gravity instead of having it revolve around a job or another person. I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells all the time in my last job and not like myself at all. I can be at times fatalistic when I feel very tired, but most times I am quite goofy and love to laugh. This was not possible at my last work and I had to learn that some jobs are not made for one and that one needs to walk away. It is not about being a quitter, but rather understanding that this situation is just not working.

I also came to the conclusion that retreats are way too much for me and that I need to do exactly NOTHING. To just be, but of course this is the hardest part, because I still have it ingrained in me that I need to do lots of spiritual practice. But the other day I realized that I am in quite a fortunate position and that Kundalini Shakti has been active for so long and guiding me all my life. There is nothing to overcome or do really, but rather to live and figure out what it is that I want. To become more compassionate and loving is just an automatic by-product.

And that’s it for 2023. Maybe it will be less eventful than the last years, but that is fine by me.
I am my own remedy after all…

With this I am wishing you a good start to 2023 (if you are following the Solar calendar).


Vanessa

Essence of Love

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In the mornings when I wake up
there can only be peace.
A few moments before the body reminds itself
Of living,
the mind catches up
and I listen to my heartbeat.
Wherever I go, there is my heart.

It speaks of long lost loves,
Of dreams of yesterday,
Unraveling time
In its essence of eternity.
Matter of no importance
It dances throughout the ages,
Through renaissance nuisance,
Composing a melody,
The essence of love.

Follows me day and night,
I cannot sleep
Because of it.
Calling me in a myriad of
Ways
I follow you,
My heart
Through desert storms
And Infinity.
Haunted by
The essence of love.

Shadows greet me at dawn
Never fading
Away,
Reminding me of ever present
Death.
But even in death
There can only be the
Essence of love.

A scent so sweet
That no one can resist it,
An overwhelming fatigue
Grabs me by my shadow,
Twisting my heart,
this is
The essence of love.

Never leaving me
alone,
Always with me.
I carry it
With humble pride.

The essence of love.


Vanessa


Love

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Today, no poetry of mine, but a piece by Hazrat Inayat Khan. I could not describe this any better…

“I have loved in life and I have
been loved.
I have drunk the bowl of
poison from the hands of love
as nectar,
And have been raised above
Life’s joy and sorrow.
My heart, aflame in love, set
afire every heart that came in
touch with it.
My heart has been rent and
joint again;
My heart has been broken and
Again made whole;
My heart has been wounded
And healed again;
A thousand deaths my heart
has died, and thanks be to
love, it lives yet.
I went through hell and saw
there love’s raging fire,
and I entered heaven
illumined with the light of love.
I wept in love and made all
weep with me;
I mourned in love and pierced
the hearts of men;
And when my fiery glance fell
On the rocks, the rocks burst forth as volcanoes.
The whole world sank in the
flood caused by my one tear;
With my deep sigh the earth
Trembled, and when I cried
Aloud the name of my Beloved,
I shook the throne of God in
Heaven.
I bowed my head low in
humility, and on my knees I
Begged of love,
“Disclose to me, I pray to Thee, O
Love, Thy secret.”
She took me gently by my
Arms and lifted me above the
Earth, and spoke softly in my
ear,
“My dear one, thou thyself art
Love, art lover,
and thyself art the Beloved
Whom thou hast adored.”


– Hazrat Inayat Khan

Sweetest Agony

Night falls
And in its darkness
My nostalgia disappears.
Calling out to no one
Has left me bereft
Of Your void.

Where are you,
My peaceful darkness
That lingers in my heart?
Golden city’s gloom
I plunged into
Your nothingness.

At the cross
I awake
to find devotion.
Streaming light,
Tears of surrender
Rolling down
My ashen face.

Fires burning in the distance,
Thorns edging into
skull.
I die for You,
For love is my sweetest
Agony.



Vanessa