Last year as I went to another retreat, I had an epiphany: I did not want to be there.
For all my spiritual endeavors over the years, trying to solve my health-problem on a more multi-dimensional level, I realized, I did not want to go on retreat anymore.
It was beautiful and Kundalini rose, I saw lots of things, had kriyas, but all in all, I felt that I sat there and none of it was making sense anymore. I sat there with this enlightened being and realized that all I wanted was to live life, however that may look like. I did not want the big career anymore, the job that took me around the globe, I did not want to go to healers anymore, I did not want to do another acupuncture session or Ayurvedic treatment, I did not want to become more sensitive and more open.
I wanted to live life in all its facets, fully being in my body. Even if that body was hurting and pushing me through tremendous pains. If this was it, then so be it.
Even though I left quite blissed out, I knew I had received my answer. I just wanted to surrender to what my Higher Self or God consciousness wanted from me, or maybe my heart. No manipulation, no magic, no prayers involved. Just that which presents itself.

And so bit by bit I started remembering what my hobbies were when I was younger: I loved dancing (I used to dance ballet until I was 19), but maybe that’s not a good idea with my poor feet being very sensitive and a bit tired after dancing and then walking around in steel toes for a decade and now walking again to make coffee… Does not make any sense at all. So no dancing for me.
What else did I love: Sitting in nature for hours in trees, I played Tarzan (not Jane) imagining to be in the jungle, which was awesome by the way! I really loved music and singing, so that was my option to move towards, and I loved doing arts. Just random things like drawing, sometimes just squiggling things, painting random things. I just really enjoyed it!
I liked playing with toys and doing songs on the piano, sometimes songs that did not make any sense either. Just random stuff that came to my mind.

And I just loved resting in general, well, and eating of course. I really liked that one!

Admittedly, most times I did not like going out for food.

I was always connected to some form of divinity. Church didn’t make any sense and it felt stuffy and boring.
I liked people, but not more than 2 hours per day if possible!
The reason being that I found out that I have something called “mirror touch synesthesia”. It is apparently an advanced stage of being an empath where I mirror everything, from behavior, to illness, to joy, to sadness, of another person and feel these things as if they were mine. I never understood this when I was younger and had always wondered about all these things, but I found someone who has the same issue (or maybe super-power as I was told). It sucks very often, because “normal” life is not made for people like that. But okay, it’s the way it is and I gotta deal with it. There are techniques, but it’s a hassle.

So, there is no need for fame, for more money, a bigger or better job, just the “right” thing for me and I trust that my Higher Self will bring that to me when the time is right. But I also realized that I must do things with love, time, and devotion. Nothing rushed or something that becomes an every-day task. If I do that, then I start feeling very disconnected and also dissatisfied. I also realized that my German “work ethic” is very often misplaced and I have pushed things where I should have rested a long time ago.

This was last year’s epiphany and has continued to this year, which has made it hard as I have lived for this spiritual stuff for about 10 years. It’s still palpable, but hard to dismiss, it has become a habit that one needs to slowly change.
All life is spiritual. Sometimes people tell me things and I think: “Wow, that was really profound!”, even out of nowhere.

So…, what to do?

Nothing really. Just enjoying the sunshine at home and hoping that all is well for everyone on this globe.

My garden certainly looks like it.