Mother Kali in action: I knew it before it happened.

Last week I fell ill with ascension flu. It was all this new energy coursing through my body, my cells renewing at a rapid rate. I had to stay in bed as even then I could hardly move from bed to stove, to bathroom and sometimes into my little lovely garden.

I got back from it and knew that my job was over. The same day I got handed the resignation in a real aggressive way. It was not the resignation but how it went down.
Nonetheless, I understood that it is a forced break as my body is unable to handle all this physical work and more so all these different energies throughout the day. It has become mission impossible.
For the whole afternoon I swayed in between shock, the stress from the last months releasing, relief, and to my surprise, white hot rage. In the afternoon it was complete stillness and then at night “manas”, the mind woke me up and all these emotions started creating havoc. It was a dissonant energy concoction and event hough I tried to surrender to it, I felt unable to stop it, so instead, I tried to acknowledge all these things coming up and saying: It’s okay, I am human. It’s normal to feel all this Other people bottle everything up and then they don’t know.

The day after I was shaking because of all of it.
And then it was as if someone pulled a plug.
All energy went out and as I had been given the choice to remain home for the remainder of the two weeks I said I will take it. I saw no reason to stand there anymore.

Now, I am finally without a job, my car broke down completely this week as well, and I have a feeling that I just want to rest now.
Modern life is really stressful.

The Divine Mother seems to have a plan and now I wait for her to reveal it.

Whatever it may be, I am to surrender to it. She let me have my way for a year and a half, but now it’s over and I am to oblige. One does not always have a choice in this Divine Lila. Some things are just meant to be…

Patience is back on the menu…


Darkness I


In darkness I wandered
And felt all his might.
My body shuddered in
Deep fright.
Tiptoeing amongst the beasts
I did not dare to look
Towards my million suns
That had just begun
To rise.

In all their glory they
Overshadowed me,
The heat so callously
Overtaking my
I did not dare to
Even undress
To bear
This hell on Earth.

Pain so overhwelmingly
Around my chest,
I felt a big weight.
My nerves
Hissing not able to unwind
And devote my life
To heaven,
I started to believe that
This must be

On charcoals
My feet were walking,
They burnt even hotter,
My hands shining red hot,
They matched my frock,
That I was carrying
To remind me of civilzations
Long gone
With the wind
That was blowing around
My head.

Freezing besides the heat
I muttered:”I admit defeat.”
But nothing came of it,
Testing my faith in utterly
Desolate circumstances,
I found myself
Taking no chances.

Seemed I had run out of luck
And got stuck in hell
Where I burn
Just to yearn for a life
Of the living.

Walking amongst the dead,
Lit up,
I could not bare to stand tall
For the fall from such great heights
Might be what put me out of sight
Of my angel’s wings.
Forgive and forget,
She said,
But I could not remember her words,
Truth be told,
My head was lost
And my brain
Burst forth
A gibberish
I did not know.

I pleaded to understand my position
The wolves
Walking by my side,
I did not know if they were me
Or I was them.
Confusion settled in about who
Or what I was,
I could not tell
Where I ended
And others began.
My heart pounding
Of their emotions fears, their lies,
And gallantry,
I decided I must be brave
And face this agony.

Words are power,
This much I remembered,
I took a deep breath,
My words of freedom
And trembled
With such love
That all the heat came off.
Return to sender,
I screamed at them,
Whatever they wish upon me
May be returned.

In search for happiness
I must’ve gotten lost in
Some strange play.
I could not say
For my life was at stake.

Tremors moving through me
It shook my little body
My stomach in knots,
Holding on tight to what
I once knew.

Let go,
It screamed within me.
And so I turned to
My million
Rising suns
To burn forever and in eternity.




I got the news:

A Lama is passing that I felt very close to. I never met him. His teacher had passed many years ago and I felt even closer to him. I had wished that I met them both.
Lama Zopa Rinpoche entered his final meditation. I feel like he knew that this was going to be it. He was already close to home.

I felt really touched and feeling terribly sad. Another being of light passing away. I understand the teachings of impermanence, of bodhicitta. He had developed both perfectly. When I was still studying Buddhism, I watched many videos of both teachers, did the practices they recommended. And now both are gone. Lama Yeshe had a rebirth in a householder’s body. So what does Lama Zopa Rinpoche’s fate entail? I am certain that he already knows.

Still, it really touched me when I saw the news.

Sometimes I wonder: How can I be so extremely upset by someone’s (near) death when I never knew him personally. I guess it is because we are all made of one single light.

So, here is my prayer for Lama Zopa Rinpoche:

May your passing be swift.
May you move through the Bardos quickly.
May you navigate your rebirth as you wish.
May you be reborn under favorable circumstances.
May you once more develop perfect bodhicitta.
May you once more touch peoples’ hearts.

Farewell Lama Zopa Rinpoche- maybe see you soon!


Melancholic Monday


Melancholic Monday
I bow in tenderness
To my heart.

All encompassing wisdom
The I disappears and melts in love.
Trusting my Self
To lead me to
To guide me
Through my own heart.

All sadness
Must depart
And yet return
In order to discern
Emotions of love,
Of agony,
Of stillness,
And Grace.

And so I embrace
Death’s agony
With love and devotion.

Crucifixion and
Be my guiding star.


Implosion Explosion


All worlds must end…
Rebirth I trust,
It is a must.


Long ago we seized to exist,
I must admit
I am having a hard time with this.

Lightly taken
Through millenia
I feel ancient
Yet so new.

Gaze at me
with your young eyes
I feel the might
Of this flight

All things drift apart
and move together

The only question is:
WHEN will things begin


Vastness of solitude


In the vastness of your solitude
I miss You every day.
Even in suffering
There exists tremendous love.

Even under difficult circumstances
You are there,
Working miracles in my heart.

When I suffer from hunger
You come and nourish me,
When I feel thirsty
You provide me with water.
When I feel lost,
You send me someone who finds me.

When I suffer from my own ignorance,
You are there to touch me deeply,
So that I open my heart.
When there is hardly any hope left,
You instill faith.

Who would I be without You?
For it is in this nourishment of
Pain that You make me see
That there is nothing else but


Gates of hell


Inundated I stood at the gates of hell,
If there was any light
I could not tell.
Blinded by my own fear and rage
I tried to remember Dante’s way
So I could disappear.

Memories faded and remembrance
Could not strike
There left all my pride.
Anxiously I took a look around
But no one was to be found.
Stranger in my own land,
I took a glimpse of long-lost freedom
And finally took matters into
My own hands.

The pathway was crooked and
Not to distinguish
My anguish
Made my heart jump with fear
Took me right into the
Arms of Ereshkigal.

The seven gates
I had to pass
My ego took a blast.
Discard I must all regalia
What once looked bright and shiny
Possessions now seem to be so tiny.
Dried and hung at the hook
It took
All my force to start
And finally to depart.

All hell is equal in their remains
And build I must trust
In the unseen.
In love and simplicity
and to trust
In my Higher Self
Who remains to be my only guide.

Agony’s prisoner no longer,
I set myself free
Just to see that no one
Can in fact reach liberty
Without the ego’s poison
To depart
From the heart.

Escaped my own fate
And now all is too late
For I must accept
That all of it remains
In a state of constant change.

Have you discovered your own hell yet?


Lover’s dream


Lover’s dreams
Streaming down my face,
Love’s agony leaving
From my solemn heart.

Wandering in loneliness
Where are you now?

Forgetfulness condemning me
I wonder, where you have
Been hiding for so long?

Memories may fade
Until we meet again,
Oh heart of my Beloved.

Once we were two,
Now one,
Time has just begun to
For I am nowhere to be found
But here.