In you is the remedy


New Year, New Beginnings….

Finally, I have started a new job.
It is the first time in years that I get up and I am looking forward to go to work. Certainly, it is still a bit tricky with Kundalini Shakti, but it has always been like this. Nothing has changed.
I am also starting to see my patterns: Over the course of my lifetime I have had the tendency not to work 100% but 180% or more. I have completely exhausted my reserves throughout my sound engineering days. Before that I had exhausted them with partial partying, studying and having four jobs at the same time.
When I started reading Sufi poetry, I cam across a poem by Hazrat ‘Ali (Prophet Mohammed’s (PBBUH) nephew). It starts with the following verses:

“You do not know it, but in
you is the remedy;
you cause the sickness, but
this you do not see.”

I remember being perplexed about the poem, where something resonated within me. At the same time it made my ego-structure feel a bit angry: How could I be the cause of my own illness? Is it not the fault of (please fill in here) my genetics, the weather, the jobs I have done, other people, etc. Of course I never wanted to understand back then that I am myself the cause of my illness.
But over the past few months I have watched myself closely: I have the tendency as a sensitive being to pick up things from others, sure, but also to completely overdo it. It is nearly as if I am trying to do a Salto Mortale every other second. This cannot a way of living. So I have to take the pressure off of myself, to rest more, to be content with what I got (and I got A LOT!), to hardly do any spiritual practice (very difficult for me), to abstain to constantly be with people or input.
I started doing little things each day, have periods of rest, even at work. Sometimes one needs to be absolutely bored to understand oneself. I also understood that what I thought of self-care is in fact no self-care. I need to find my own ways an rituals and not do what other people or society believes to be self-care. A massage from someone is NOT self-care for a sensitive, so I rather have to do self-massage instead of getting one.
I should not be spiraling on a daily basis and have to eat very different from others to replenish and to keep the awakening going on a subtle basis. I still have some aura issues, but I am working on it. I feel that it will diminish over time if I persist and not get into the over-doing mode.
Looking at all of this, I have to say, that somehow divine consciousness put me in a place again where I have a lot of motivated, fun, and also very faithful people. Even the names of some of my favorite Saints and Sages are in the mix, where I do not believe that this is a complete coincidence. On the third day I already had a conversation about Sufism and the tenets of the Holy Qur’an. I do not take anything personal anymore and seem to have developed a certain neutrality on relatively “normal” days. Sometimes it is still hard, because I still experience phases when I do not want to speak and I actually have to, but I am sure right now that this new job is no coincidence at all.
It stands in stark contrast to my last one where I was having a hard time holding it down even as a 50% job. I felt off and completely inadequate. I used to think that it is me, but I am seeing now that it was the completely wrong environment, a boss who was way too overwhelmed, and some weird circumstances. But the job brought me to this city I am living in where I am finding back to myself, to find my talents and back to my own center of gravity instead of having it revolve around a job or another person. I felt like I needed to walk on eggshells all the time in my last job and not like myself at all. I can be at times fatalistic when I feel very tired, but most times I am quite goofy and love to laugh. This was not possible at my last work and I had to learn that some jobs are not made for one and that one needs to walk away. It is not about being a quitter, but rather understanding that this situation is just not working.

I also came to the conclusion that retreats are way too much for me and that I need to do exactly NOTHING. To just be, but of course this is the hardest part, because I still have it ingrained in me that I need to do lots of spiritual practice. But the other day I realized that I am in quite a fortunate position and that Kundalini Shakti has been active for so long and guiding me all my life. There is nothing to overcome or do really, but rather to live and figure out what it is that I want. To become more compassionate and loving is just an automatic by-product.

And that’s it for 2023. Maybe it will be less eventful than the last years, but that is fine by me.
I am my own remedy after all…

With this I am wishing you a good start to 2023 (if you are following the Solar calendar).


Mountain days

It feels like the last bit of awakening is taking place.

I have heard from other people how the last year or months were.
A few months ago I had decided that I had to go and meet my teacher in person. I only ever met her online and in email. She lives in Switzerland and since I had a vacation, it was decided to meet. The drive there was tricky as my field has become so widened that I pick up on passengers’ energies when they are passing by. It is a bit better in a car than let us say being at home, but let’s face it: It’s nearly impossible to live in a city and I am triggered all the time. Going to the mountains I thought that I might get the chance to relax the system a bit. Somehow my energy seems to enjoy driving- what a bizarre thing, I thought to myself. Is this not against the sustainability rules of divinity? But apparently not. My teacher said that sometimes we have weird things as we are still human and that if the energy likes driving, I should do that.

There was a group at the place who were doing meditation and some other things, but I ate separately from them as not to disturb the group dynamics. But when I thought that the process would calm down, it actually accelerated there in the sight of the mountains that I had missed for so long. In that pure essence of nature and the altitude, Kundalini went up soaring and people were connecting to me at a massive rate. But the one thing that was different from being down here, was that I felt absolutely happy. I did not need to write or do anything, I just sat and watched nature.
On the second day I looked at my open luggage and saw the clothing I had packed- it was the typical retreat clothing that had been required to wear with a few teachers: white linen clothing. I looked at it and I hated it. It was not me. I was thinking: “What the heck am I doing here?” This is not me. I left it in there and wore my pink jeans and a normal top. I realized I don’t need special clothing for this. Just being me is enough. Maybe not wear lycra or something chemical, but I can just wear normal clothes. It’s not necessary to wear something special. It is in the washing now, so I can then place it in the container for second hand clothing. Maybe someone else will be very happy about it.

My teacher advised me to keep on saying no to people taking energy from me. I have to stay persistent. My energy is my own and no one has the right to take it. I keep on doing it, but I’m having a rough time as this seems to be the set-up I have come to the world with. Or maybe I have taken it over from my parents when I was a kid. I have had all these things when I was a child. I remember this clearly.
So Kundalini was having a field trip in the mountains and the energy was so large that I felt I had become several kilometers wide… The difference was that I just felt so so happy. Incredibly happy for no reason! The whole place radiated out that holy energy, that whole place was filled with manna. It was radiating with the teacher’s energy if when she was not there.
At least I didn’t have to deal with half a million inhabitants, but rather 50000 instead. But who knows, I try not to look who’s where and what they are doing. I rather not know.
On the second day, I met my teacher and I felt nervous as I have made a pretty bad experience with a teacher and the accompanying sangha once. I saw that it was still ingrained in me and I saw how fearful I felt: I thought that maybe there would be rules to follow when I met her, rules I did not understand or know. I felt anxious to say the least.
But when she came in she was so full of love and light, so normal yet not normal at all, that all my fears vanished and I just felt peaceful. I saw all the light that descended and my heart opened in her presence. That night Shakti went soaring, but the next day she slowed down at least a bit. She is still going, but a little less. And I feel like that this may be the last bit of the process. I am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, starting to feel the finish line (yet, I also understood that there will be no finish line at all).
The tips were simple: Don’t meditate, eat heavy foods, be in nature, get as much rest as possible, avoid any form of stimulation from any side…

Cool, I thought, I’ll do that.
On the evening of the second day the guy who had organized the group retreat asked me: “Who are you?” I thought to myself: “Wow, what a question. Even Sri Sri Ramana Maharshi took 14 years of meditating in a cave to figure this one out and I still haven’t.” So I said: “I am Vanessa.” Even that seemed totally weird at this point. But what he rather meant was what I was doing up there separate from the group. I had a little giggle on the inside about the Ramana Maharshi comparison. Holy humor.

Back in the city I felt as if all of Sodom and Gomorrha descended upon me and I understood that I really need to go and live somewhere else, that city life is horrible and an illusion of stress. Not many people seem happy here, even the ones with kids. I do not want to end up like this. I have been trying for a year and that’s okay. The system is also not helping and here I am again at yet another ending.
I decided that I just want to be healthy and happy, whatever that may mean, that all my striving must end and only then will new doors open.

So what may this next step be?
I do not know, but I have an idea…

But yeah, I am having a hard time with this process. From the beginning until now. Some days are easy, but most are rough.

I hope that all of you who are on this path are having an easier time than me.


City of Jerusalem

“From Adoer, which is by the brink of the river Arnon, and from the city that is in the valley, as far as Gilead, there was not one city too strong for us; the Lord our God delivered all to us;…”

-Deuteronomy 2.36 (Aramaic Bible)

…and finally I stood
At the great Gates
Of Jerusalem.
Its doors locked tight
But inside I heard
The angels sing.

Heaven so close upon
This earth
I felt their might
And thought it absurd
That one may lack
The strength
To see beyond dichotomy.

With my last force
In full swing
I asked a nearing
Angel to take me
Underneath his wing.

Together we ventured
Into the Holy City
That was inside
Me all along.

I asked the angel
For his final
“Godspeed”, he said,
And lowered me from his

Enchanted by his
Golden eyes
I opened mine,
And knew instantly
That the color had changed
To match

Golden’s city glow
Beneath my every breath
I watched sunset and
Finally knew that I would


Stories from back in the days

Yesterday was a day when everything became too much.
There are those days and as a sensitive one has them more often than others.

I remember when I was living in Melbourne at the beginning of my sound career. I used to work as local crew and AC/DC had come in: 42 trucks, parked in the lot underneath the stadium. Two ramps to push gear up on stage, over 40 degrees heat with not much ozone layer. The guys who worked with me in sound looked like they were huge, muscles up to the brim and I thought: “My goodness, who am I against these guys?” Luckily there was a veteran sound guy who used to tour with Megadeath as a monitor engineer on team sound. We had worked a few times together, so he said to me: “Just don’t worry about these guys. They’re gonna be out in half an hour or an hour tops. Just stick with me. We’re gonna keep calm and do our thing.”

He was right. An hour later we were reduced to half the people we had started with and we were both still in the game. Each time we had pushed up a speaker and went down the ramps, we drank some water, walked slowly back and forth, didn’t talk much. We just did our thing. The first few times pushing the speakers up the ramps I nearly threw up, but after a while it was actually okay and I got into the groove. He told me a story back then, because I asked and wanted to know what he was doing with all the young folks. He said that he was on a tour doing monitors, all was going seemingly fine… until it wasn’t. One night doing sound check, he said that he was standing behind the desk and out of a sudden had this huge ringing int he ears. It was deafening, he couldn’t hear anything anymore. His whole system shut down and there was nothing he could do. They flew him back home and he shut himself off in complete darkness and silence in his apartment for 10 days. The ringing went away and he recovered his hearing.
I was stunned when I heard this and I looked at him. He continued to tell me that he decided then that he would not continue with such a stressful lifestyle. He said in Melbourne summer he would do some loading gigs and he was doing local bands to mix, sometimes some tours, but only in Australia. He said he realized that his system was just way too stressed before and that he was happier with a simple life more than ever.

This day has remained deeply impressed into my consciousness. This was also the gig that landed me a job with a major sound company back in Europe that got me onto large tours. How ironic to think about this in hindsight, because nearly the same thing befell me many years later. It sometimes still stays with me: My system was overwhelmed not only by fatigue, but also by all this noise, late nights, high levels of stress and pressure, lots of traveling. Tibetans call this lung (pronounced “long”) or even meditator’s disease. It is when you strain the nervous system. Tibetan Lamas reckon that most Westerners have chronic lung and I have to agree. We are goal oriented and often cannot let go of our attachment.
The same thing befell me while working in Dubai and has come back now due to too much Shakti or even light running through the system. It is having a hard time catching up on it. We take ourselves into our spiritual practice, no matter what. Awakening teaches us our patterns and habits. Mine is to exaggerate which obviously stems from a deep dissatisfaction. So over the past months I stopped meditating, staying away from spiritual practice, no reading of spiritual material. It’s cold turkey and rough, I have to say.
Yesterday I dared to read a bit about the divine Mother and the whole thing started again, so instead of continuing, I stopped and will leave it aside right now. I got a life to live.

Apparently this is the message behind all of this for me: Live your life. Be happy.
Yesterday I needed to stay in. Even walking around the corners was too much and I shuffled along the pavement and then went back home straight away. In the evening I talked to a friend, but in hindsight even this was too much.

Like my old buddy from Melbourne said: “Keep calm and do your thing.”

Are you doing your thing and keeping calm amidst the chaos?


Black as night

“You are the one who grants heaven and also the wish giving tree.
You fulfill the desires of mind in the real realized form,
And all those who benefit by you , would become grateful to you,
And even the devas do not understand you.”

  • Sri Kalika Ashtakam

Black as night
Body is shining
With a million
Tiny stars.

Heart overflows in Your
Divine splendor.
You are the one
I have been waiting for.

It is only the I
That stands in the way.
Let Your love
Fill my heart.

I beg of you: Do not
Leave me for I
Surrender to Your embrace.

Can we not see the truth
Behind Your loving eyes?

You are the
Ruler of Our lives.

For if we do not surrender
There can be no life.

Have you surrendered to a higher power yet?



In my journey towards
I cannot do anything but to
On the journey towards
I can often only sense

Rise or fall
You may.
But I can still tell
That I should obey.

Divine rules are set
And if I abide by them
I may not regret
This journey that you have taken me on
A heaven that many do not know.

Right here you may make it
A living hell
or infinity.
For all I know is that love’s
Will always be with

We are vagabonds

Mirror touch synesthesia. Odd thing to have in a world that is down trodden with fear. Mirror neurons process things from others and make it seem as if it was one’s own. Or it actually is.
The good and the bad stuff. On sunny days when people are happy, I am actually ecstatic. When people are miserable, it is like sodom and gomorrha.
It is also called being a super empath having a superhuman DNA. Welcome to the club and I hope that you may not be one. Or maybe you are one and you are not living in a “normal” world.
I am and it is a living nightmare I have to say. Trying to sift through one’s own energy and also that of others is a tiring business. And guess what: It is a gift.
Because no one can lie to you, no one can pretend that they like you, you even see right through their facade. Even others are not aware of what they truly are. They see themselves in a very convoluted state of being, an image that the ego has built up.
So where does it leave one? It leaves one having to step out of the comfort zone. You have to find a job that is just not normal to everyone else. You have to live a life that corresponds to your empath abilities.
I have tried for six months to live in the normal world. Whereas it is extremely beautiful, I am deeply challenged to hold a normal job due to emotions of others, thought-forms, diseases, etc. Whatever you can imagine, it does actually exist.
Where does it leave me? Nowhere I would say. It leaves me in an in-between world that is mesmerizing, extremely beautiful, colorful, and not known to others. But on the other hand: It is detrimental to be in public most times.

What to do as a super human empath?

You just take some time out and you leave everything behind.
As always, we are the vagabonds, the gypsies, the artist, the writer, the healer, and the magician, the witch that heals with herbs. We are the outcasts and the pirates. We are nothing, so we can be love.
Filled with light, we radiate into infinity.


Zeitreise – Time travel

The skies were blue as she looked up into the wide space that opened on top of her. Her legs shaking from joy, her body swaying in a mild dance of energy. As if touched by God, everything lite up around and within her. The skies turned more luminous, the plants and animals were full of light, their luminescence spiraling out and making her laugh.
The squirrels that ran by were intertwined in a play of hide and seek, chasing each other through the midst of the forest. Wherever she stepped, grass seemed to sprout and the fertile earth underneath her feet turned into a carpet of lush green. Little lights started to dance inside her irises and with her breath, she exhaled the dark matter that had manifested within her consciousness.
The more she walked among the trees and animals of the forest, the lighter she felt. It was as if a song was emanating out from her heart that was leading her along a path that she seemed to remember from ancient times. From times long buried deep inside of her crevasses of her heart. Maybe those were memories from past lives. Who knew? Shrugging her shoulders, she kept on walking when her gait turned into a dance. Whirling like a dervish she laughed and the wind around her swirled in blue timeless essence.
All was one, the river nearby embracing her with her coolness while the scent of the tress enveloping her whole being.

Who was she at the core?, she wondered.

No one. So she could be anyone.

The Dreaming Wolf

As human beings we are extremely flawed, there exists no perfection. Some of us strive for it, but it remains something man-made: Nature is far from perfect and her wild growth shows us that there is a spontaneity that most of us have lost.
We became structured and lost our will and heart to feel and think for ourselves.

I remember being on my very first tour as a sound engineer. It was a large one, Bon Jovi to be precise (yeah, doing the name dropping here). After a few weeks of being on the road (or plane) with a crew of over two hundred people, I was starting to wonder about what we were doing. It was certainly extremely well organized, the production is one of the best you can find, most people were nice and we had a lot of fun. However, each time we got off a train, plane or a bus, it looked like a large herd of sheep to me. Follow this and this person, go there and there. It became a joke amongst some of us on tour (you cannot convince everyone). We hung little sheep pictures on each others’ cases, we made sheep noises, sent sheep pictures to each other on facebook (there was no Instagram yet),…. It was hilarious to say the least, yet, it made me still quite uncomfortable on the inside. Was I following a herd of people and just doing as being told? Back then I thought myself to be so rebellious to be this woman in sound on a tour. Wow. No one I grew up with was doing that. Of course I understood the implications of organization that needed to be followed on such large tours as otherwise things would become unhinged very quickly.
A few weeks went by until one night on the tourbus: We had cracked yet another sheep joke after a show when our head of audio looked me straight in the face and said: ” I’m no sheep. I’m the wolf.”
He wasn’t a man of a lot of words this one, extremely smart, but most likely you would run past him on the streets in Texas. But that brain…. Well, he wasn’t the chief of audio for nothing on that tour. It made me shut up immediately and I contemplated his words for a very long time.
He was right: I did not want to be a sheep. It made me feel strange and awkward. My inner nature is a bit of a rebel, swimming against the stream. It has calmed down over the years, but there is still this strong-headed person in there somehow. Yes, I am a wolf too. But was I wearing sheep’s clothes, I was starting to wonder? For the sake of keeping the peace? was I deluding myself?

Not in the slightest as I figured out last year, because really no one has a clue (as already mentioned in one of my earlier posts). Even so-called experts have no clue. They might be knowledgeable about one topic, but even there the human mind has its limits. What about the rest? Everyone’s a sheep unless you are awakening. You have to be a wolf. Certainly a compassionate one.

This morning I had to go to the doctor’s office, because, guess what? I have a normal flu. Normally I would not even have gone, but I needed a sick leave for work. Everyone panicked already that I might have contracts covid, where I have been saying for the whole of the pandemic: I am not getting this. It is out of the question. I don’t voice this to everyone of course. The vibration is too high, it won’t touch me. Full-stop. As I was standing there, listening to the assistants answering the phone about covid questions, people still being panicky, I felt a deep compassion for everyone and realized that they were all sheep. No one has a clue, not the scientists, not the politicians, not the doctors, no one. Because it is out of control. So everyone, because they are so fearful, says baaaahhhh, and gets vaccinated every three months now. This is crazy. And from the start I have said inside to myself: I am respecting the rules, but I am not being bullied and pushed out of fear and everyone’s “un-knowing” into something I am not convinced of or stand behind. The fear in the office was palpable, people talk a lot when they are fearful or have a lot of stored up pain. I wanted to scream because it was agony to stand there and feel all this stuff, their thoughts jumbled, their frequencies off, and so I went into my heart and said. Guess what? I’m the wolf here. Funny, a wolf with compassion, but a tiger can apparently change its stripes in such an unknowledgeable world.

It is time to stop being sheep everyone!
Be a wolf with compassion.

Remember what Christ said: “Only the gentle shall inherit the earth.” (the “meek” is a wrong translation- if one looks at the aramaic version it translates as “gentle”).

It is time to be gentle.
It is time to rise and stand up.
It is time to ask questions and not follow everything and everyone blindly.
Because what I witnessed this morning was chaos. It is everywhere exactly the same.

My world is different for that reason: It is luminous. It is scintillating and oscillating on a very high frequency. It is a world where everyone can heal themselves, where one is able to rest when one needs to. I am dreaming a world into being that is more harmonious, where everyone is awakened, where everyone is an empath. There exist no narcissists anymore, no mental illnesses, because everyone is doing what they love and not for money. I am dreaming a world into being where people live in tune with nature and not against her. Call me a dreamer. But so I am.
The dreaming wolf.

Needless to say that many years later I quit the tours and said no more. It is my time to awaken. After a few years you then see how clueless you still are and how little we all know. And you can be fully at peace with it.

Wake up from your sheep mode.


(PS: Just for clarification: I am not denying the existence of covid, but it is a virus that has existed much longer than you are being made to believe).

This love

“I am the one I love,
the one I love is me.”

  • Al Hallaj

This infamous unconditional love that remains the indwelling spirit of all that exists in this Universe can never be extinguished. It burns like a flame in every single human being. Sleep-walking many mistake lust or affection for love. It is not so, because how can one feel love if one wants to possess a person. It is impossible.
And so, many wander around in the darkness, bound by their own desires, caught up in repeating patterns of phantasies that may have never existed.

But the one who really discovers love shall become ever graceful. You can see it in their face, their gait is different, their spine more erect, their smile luminous, and their heart glows bright for others to see in the dark. Oh how lost then everyone else seems. Only the heart is able to perceive things that others cannot. Only the heart can grant liberation of this cycle of desires and suffering.
A woolen heart, the Sufis say, one must possess: It shall become so soft that all armor and egotistical patterns are dissolved. Only then one is able to perceive the universe.
The sun is ever-shining for the one who understands this silent space within.
Peace and beauty are forever theirs.

How odd to then see people caught up in drama, in agony… Sad, my heart sometimes weeps, so I send them love. Let them shine like I do, I have enough of it all, so I can spare a little here and there.

Remember that the world is truly a beautiful place, but that you project whatever is inside of you. You create this world, so now create a better world, one where everyone can find unconditional love.
Make an effort. Love yourself first every single moment of the day.
Then extend that love towards others: Animals, plants, lakes, the ocean, people,… Once all is bathed in love, nothing can go wrong. But it may take some time.

Be that love!